There’s a lot I learned about this whole adoption thing ahead of time…and there’s a whole lot more that I didn’t. Like this little gem–my friendships would morphed. Adoption sorta does that. It changes friendships.
Unless you’re a man. In that case, every relationship is stable and predictable, and you’re good to go.
But, women? I’m not afraid to say that I think we’re generally a bit more emotionally complex. While I know every mom and her community are different, it’s safe to say adoption rocks whatever stability and predictability may have preexisted. When a family grows, their world is rocked. Add in that the addition is via adoption, and that rocking becomes a full-fledged 8.0 earthquake. Domestic or international, infant or school aged, healthy or special needs, adoption is both emotionally and legally invasive and a juxtaposition of joy and grief by nature. And, when those tremors are felt as they inevitably will be, the response of your community (or lack thereof) is magnified.
Some will rally around you, serving as they are able, asking questions to learn more about the process and supporting your strategies to build attachment. Praise God for those people. Amen? Some may bring a meal or two initially but then wonder why you are still cocooning after 2 weeks. Those friends will try to hide the look of shock (some may not hide it at all) when you tell them you’re intentionally cocooning for a lot longer (“What? She looks perfectly happy and attached already!”). If your heart is stirred, as it often is after you have adopted, to serve struggling expectant moms, advocate for waiting children, or bring Christmas to an orphanage across the world, some may think you’ve lost it and are in need of some intervention to bring you back to “real life.” Remarkably, some may even offer a smile and congratulations but voice an opinion that says otherwise—they don’t agree with interracial adoptions, they think you’re adoption is too open, they think you should have adopted from somewhere else, or they don’t agree with adoption at all (some people really don’t).
Over 3 years ago, as I shared with a good friend the news that we had said yes to our daughter and were leaving for China soon, she looked me straight in the eye and said, “So, is it too late to talk you out of this?”
At a play date only weeks after we returned from China with our daughter, still fully in the trenches, while we helped our children climb playground ladders and caught them at the end of slides, the other mom told me she disagreed with international adoption entirely. It’s riddled with corruption, she told me, it should be illegal. I cried as I drove home that day.
Stable and predictable friendships. Umm, yeah, not so much.
At the same time, I found myself a member of a new community of women from all different backgrounds who have as varied opinions as the rest about how to do this thing called parenting. But, even still, there’s a camaraderie; they get it. They get the attachment struggle and the grief and how hard birthdays can be. And, it can be pretty comfortable there in our often social-media sisterhood.
Birds of a feather do flock together. It makes sense. And, those new relationships are a real blessing. I’d even say my best friendships have been built right there. And yet, while we share the adoptive mom sisterhood, we don’t share a zip code. Darn it.
I’ve learned that I simply can’t replace local friends—and as hard as I’ve tried, I haven’t convinced any of my adoptive mom friends from other places to move here and become local friends. Local friends are the only ones who could come over late after all the kids were asleep and man the fort so my husband and I could go out for a late night conversation without worrying about a babysitter messing up our attachment bedtime strategies. They’re the only ones who I could drop the other kids off to so I could walk the mall wearing my newbie for a “break.” They know all my kids and my husband, have watched us all grow up, and have the pleasure of sitting beside our constantly moving crew on Sunday mornings. As tempting as it may be to cling only to new friends who “get it,” I need my local peeps. And, they still need me, even if I can’t put the time and effort into the friendship that I used to be able to do.
Take it from an established friendship novice, ask God to give you discernment to know the few people who just aren’t safe people. Don’t be afraid to exercise that discernment and protect yourself and your family for a season until God leads otherwise. For everyone else, be merciful and help them help you along. Yes, your friendships will look a little different; but that’s okay. Everyone will eventually settle in and figure out what the new normal looks like—even if that takes 3 years and some hard conversations.
aloud, Lydia follows the glossy red ribbon with her finger as it travels around the globe. It’s a story of a family’s journey and unconditional love and a must have for every adoptive family. Seriously. And, Valerie is a big supporter of some great adoptive charities too.
. Written to benefit well known author and women and children’s advocate Xinran’s charity The Mothers’ Bridge of Love, the text of this book is a poem that was written and given anonymously for this purpose. With amazing illustrations, the poem tells the story of a little girl and the two mothers who have been a part of that story. From the first page, I was hooked: “Once there were two women who never knew each other. One you do not know. The other you call Mother.” Specific to China (with the poem translated into Chinese in the front), it would be appropriate to read with any girls who were adopted and wonder about the birth mothers they likely will never know. This book would be a really nice Mother’s Day gift for a waiting mommy, a nice tradition to read with your daughter in recognition of the day you became a family, a good way to open a door to talk about birth mothers, or simply a good read if you just want a little reminder of who you are and your calling as a mother…or if you simply need a little cry.
. Using beloved items in her daughter’s life, she tells the tale of a Chinese man and woman who release their baby girl because they cannot care for her as they would want. She floats in a basket over the river guided by a turtle, a peacock, a monkey, a panda, and even some fish until she is welcomed into the arms of her new parents on the other side of the river. This one is a beautiful, figurative fable, and a good one to use to open conversation up with your child if the timing is right.
, published by BAAF (a London based adoption/foster care charity) and written by their marketing officer, is seriously a must-have book for foster families and an excellent book for any families with children who struggle with navigating memories—both good and bad. Elfa the elephant carries a box of memories on her back that starts to interfere with life really. Marvin the monkey offers to sit with her to go through the box, full of pictures and mementos of his childhood. But, there are memories not there, ones she’s lost and she doesn’t know how. She goes back to some caregivers (zebras from a nursery, a rhino doctor, and hippos–who fill the role of foster parents though the verbiage is never used, and a giraffe teacher) who give her more little tidbits to help her remember. When the gaps are full enough, she thanks Marvin for his help and tells him, “I would never have been able to remember all those special times on my own. It’s not easy when you haven’t got anyone to share your memories with.” Marvin then helps her take the box off her back and put it in a safe hiding spot so that she can “play with the other animals and run through the trees without worrying about the heavy box on her back.” Excellent opportunity to talk to your children about releasing burdens and the freedom we can experience in that release. And, to make it even more practical, the book comes with a little book in the back called “My Book of Memories” where your child can write his or her own information in there. I’m imagining a great bonding day for parent and child—a special lunch out, completing the book together as best you can, and then hiding it somewhere safe…together.
by a husband–wife team dealing with how a kindergarten girl adopted from China handles being “star of the week” in school, an exciting yet challenging experience that entails a poster all about her. Darlene deals with birthparent questions and feelings beautifully, setting a great example for the rest us parents who may feel unprepared. Told by Cassidy-Li’s perspective, she explains how they’ve talked about “all the reasons people can’t take care of their babies. They might be very poor, or maybe too young.” No promises are made. No over dramatizations or emotional imagery. Just acknowledgment that a child can love her parents but still feel sad about birthparents. And, that is totally okay. Only thing missing? Maybe a few discussion questions or conversation starters for parents at the end…and a boy version…and maybe some versions for kids from other countries or domestically adopted or in foster care. Darlene and Roger, more please.
gives an incredible inside view of an orphanage in Changsha, Hunan Province through lots of photos and the sweet words of an 8 year old girl named Ying Ying Fry. Ying Ying tells about her experience of being adopted and her American parents and then shares about the two weeks she spent visiting the orphanage where she spent her infancy and the ayis who cared for her until her parents took her home. An absolutely fascinating book that is simply compelling. There are a lot of pages and words, too much to read to a toddler. But, when my little one was littler she enjoyed flipping pages and simply touching the faces of “her friends” in China. I’m pretty much a sucker for the last page: “China isn’t my home anymore, but it’s where I was born. Even though that was a long time ago, it’s a really important part of my life. If I hadn’t been born in China, I wouldn’t be me.” Well said, Ying Ying. Interesting to point out, the photographs are all their own since the Chinese authorities would not let their professional photographer in to take pictures; expect snapshot looking pictures rather than professional looking ones. And, Ying Ying, who you see throughout in her cute glasses, used proceeds from the sales of the book to pay for vision exams for all the children from her orphanage and glasses for all the kids who needed them.
at a yard sale which turned out to be a good find. The story of an infant domestic adoption, each page starts with “Tell me again…” to string together the story of how a baby joined her family from the phone call in the middle of the night to the fun adjustments of having a new baby at home. The family tree page in the middle showing a birth dad and birth mom along with the words: “Tell me again how you couldn’t grow a baby in your tummy, so another woman who was too young to take care of me was growing me and she would be my birth mother; and you would adopt me and be my parents” may be inappropriate for some. But, you can skip that page if you want. My kids all love this book and the fun illustrations. My favorite part? The page showing the parents arriving at a chaotic hospital and the words, “…when you got there you both got very quiet and felt very small.” Sums it up well.
is not an adoption themed book. But, it has become one for us since it was one of the first gifts given to us for Lydia way back when, actually 2 years before she was even born. With beautiful illustrations, the words emphasize what a beautiful moment it was when the child was born (not mentioning an actual birth or birth family at all). Instead, this book gives simply lovely prose explaining how “you are the one and only ever you” and how “Heaven blew every trumpet and played every horn on the wonderful, marvelous night you were born.” Check out 
has become an Chinese adoption book classic. It’s the story of a single mother and a Chinese baby girl as they become a family. Not really applicable for a lot of families (married parents with other kiddos or adoptions from the special needs program, for example) and not great for reinforcing attachment practices (talks about passing the baby around at the airport and “more and more” people coming to visit at first…eek!), but some of you will find it sweet all the same. I like it for a few poignant quotes: “How did this happen? How did someone make this perfect match a world away?” and on their first night together, “I held you tightly, kissed you softly, and cried. The tears were for your Chinese mother, who could not keep you. I wanted her to know that we would always remember her. And I hoped she knew you were safe and happy in the world.”
. Confronted with a classroom wanting her to tell them about China and realizing she didn’t know much of what to say, a girl nicknamed Orange Peel (adopted from China) decides she’ll learn some things as she runs errands with her mom that day. As they visit their regular haunts (tailor, antique store, florist, noodle shop, ice cream shop, etc.), the shop owners slip little trinkets into her pocket that she can use to teach her classmates about China. She then nervously but excitedly takes the treasures into school and stands up front to teach her friends about all the things she knew all along about the place she was born. I love this book–the illustrations are adorable and the story is even better. It’s a great one to read if/when your child is struggling with how to explain her birth place to others. And, it you could use it as a great starting point to gather your own little bag of treasures that help her to share about China with her family or friends. Love it.
is a good one. I can identify with that Mama Fox who prayed and prayed, wondered and dreamt, and waited through the seasons for God to find her her child. As Mama Fox tells the story, Little Fox asks her, “Did you ever want to give up?” to which she replies, “Sometimes…But I trusted that God knew you, and knew me, and knew when we’d fit perfectly together.” (sigh) Little Fox does ask about his birthmother, and Mama Fox’s first response is just right: “She must have had very big reasons to give you up. She must have thought it was best for you.” But, that’s followed with Mama Fox’s belief that she “prayed like crazy” that Little Fox would be safe: “I think she prayed for me as much as I prayed for her.” Not a promise I can make my daughter, so I usually change the words a bit here. Beautiful illustrations and beautiful words that remind me of our own story and my journey as a mother. And, I love that cute foxes can apply to domestic or international adoptive families AND that Little Fox is a boy (finally, an adoption book that features a boy! Not that I need one personally…).
is unique to the other books we have in that it shares about the feelings and thoughts Oliver (a young adoptee) has when he’s punished, wondering what it would be like if he lives with his birthparents instead of his adoptive parents. He imagines all the things his birthparents might be doing, what they might be like. In the end, he’s comforted knowing that his nonadopted parents also wondered when they were kids what it would be like to live with another family and decides to stay put right where he is. Not one I’m going to start reading to our almost 5 year old now, but one I want to have on hand for when I feel like she’s ready for this type of conversation…not sure what readiness looks like yet but trusting I’ll know it when it’s time. Illustrations are simple sketches that you could even allow your child to color in to customize it if you’d like, allowing you to make the lizards different colors if desired.
My older kids LOVE books they can fill in about themselves…okay, maybe some adults do too. It’s fun to have a book about you. For families bringing home older kids, this would be helpful. It isn’t cheap though since you have to 
isn’t directly about adoption, but is an awesome resource (seriously) for families adopting a child from China who is old enough to be fully verbal in Chinese and struggle with the transition to English in his or her new family. The book is about a girl from China who moves to New York and finds herself angry that no one knows Chinese. It deals with the anxiety of losing something special as well as the frustration of learning something new. Great book at a great price.
is a good book for children who look physically different than their families—bio or adoptive (don’t be fooled by the cover, by the way. Lots of diversity represented, not just Asian). The illustrations aren’t my favorite, but the text is simple and easy to read. And, the message is a good one for toddlers and preschoolers as well as their older siblings, in our case—though there are many ways we look different, there are just as many ways we are the same. This book helps families celebrate their differences while also emphasizing that our hearts are what matter most.
A book about international adoption of an older girl. 
is a cute story about Melissa, the bio older girl, and Kika who has just joined the family through adoption (country isn’t named, but parents do travel for a couple weeks to bring her home and she has dark, wavy hair and fair skin). In simple language and cute pictures, Sisters touches on Kika’s fears and adjustments as well as Melissa’s. In the end, they argue and make up…just as sisters do.
, in very simple, easy language tells the story of a family hearing they have a child for the first time and then meeting that child. Not my favorite illustrations or book in general, but since it’s gender and type of adoption neutral, you can easily read this one aloud and personalize it and expand it as you see fit for your little one. A good attachment prop, in my opinion.
celebrates transracial adoptive families through a bird, a bear, a hippo, an alligator, and a pig. Choco sets out to find a mother and learns that his mother doesn’t have to look like him, she just has to care for him. Good for all adoptive families—especially transracial ones and ones with adopted boys.
…literally…when a baby bird falls out of the nest and into the empty pouch of a kangaroo. Cute little story with adorable illustrations. I wonder how a child may respond to how the mama blue bird keeps a nestful of babies but is okay with her “littlest one” being adopted by a kangaroo since she knows “her nest was not big enough for all her chicks.” Don’t really like that part. But, maybe I’m just overthinking things (I have a tendency to do that, you know).
through following a red thread clear across the world at the advice of an old peddler to a baby in a basket. They question the villagers there who she belongs to, and an old woman tells them she belongs to them. They take her home where she becomes the princess, and they “never felt the pain in their hearts again.” When they try to seek out the old peddler to reward him for his help, they find that he’s traveled to another kingdom to help another king and queen with pain in their hearts. It’s not my favorite adoption book since the missing piece of birth parents leaves a lot missing to me. But, fairy tales are what you make of them. My advice? This isn’t a “let’s-read-a-quick-book-before-bed” type of book. You are going to need to take some time afterwards to talk about who could have put the baby there with the red thread tied to her foot and why.
by Todd Parr is one you’ll want for your shelf. Every page set starts with “We belong together because…” and starts with “you needed a home and I had one to share” and then goes through a handful more including “you needed someone to kiss your boo-boos and we had kisses to give.” Designed to work for all sorts of adoptive families with pronouns that change and people of different colors (think blue and purple!). I like this one and find myself wanting to take it and make my own book for each of my kids from it bringing in what I believe are the reasons we belong together.
