One little word can hold a lot of meaning. And, while I’d like to say I don’t get hung up on something as simple as one word, I often do.
While watching a dramatic scene in the movie Somewhere Between when a teen girl who had been adopted from China reunited with her birth family, I realized how emotionally charged a simple word like mother was to me. I shifted in my seat when the woman who had given birth to this young woman and abandoned her stroked her hair and told her to call her Mother as the woman who adopted her and raised her stood nearby.
As I consider my own response to mother nomenclature, I’d be remiss to not consider the more important potential response of my daughter from adoption as well as her siblings. My feelings, my response, my opinion is just one, and not the most significant one at that.
When I read Mila’s words about her experience with these “simple” words, I was able to let go a bit of my own perspective and hear a message I needed to hear. I asked her if I could share that with you. Mothers and waiting mothers of children who have another mother besides you, read on.
I have to admit that biological sounds very cold and aloof to me. Because I am a deeply emotional person and feel a profound emotional connection to my Korean parents and family, I do not prefer the term biological. Furthermore, the term birthmother/father/family can carry other patronizing connotations with it with which some feel very uncomfortable. I honestly have never felt very patronized or emotionally negative toward this term, but I understand why others do. Particularly, I understand why the first/original mother/father would feel patronized by this term.
I rarely use the terms real or natural simply because, for me personally, psychologically and emotionally these terms feel too divisive and diminutive in either direction. I’ve actually heard real and natural used in the context of describing both adoptive and biological parents. In my own personal encounters with different people, I’ve heard people refer to my Korean parents as my real or natural parents as well as to my American parents as my real or natural parents.
If forced into a corner and demanded to make a distinction (which is a whole other pesky and irritating issue that surrounds being an adoptee), I would have to honestly say that, in my case, I consider both sets of parents–both my Korean and my American parents–to be my real and natural parents. I know that there are others who would take issue with this, and that’s understandable. The adoptee experience is so diverse and varied that we must consider and acknowledge the validity of each adoptee’s viewpoint and experience, particularly when those experiences and viewpoints differ. Failure to do so dismisses the inherent complexities and realities of the adoption experience. Of course, these relationships with my two sets of parents are complex and imperfect, laden with unresolved issues and dysfunction. But, nonetheless, I personally consider all four of them as my parents. Certainly and obviously, our relationships are characterized by different dynamics, histories, and roles. Yet, ultimately, I prefer to use none of the above identifiers, but rather simply to refer to them as my parents.
But, of course, it’s not that simple, and I often do feel compelled, or I am in some ways often required, or at least prodded and pried, to clarify and make distinctions to those addressing me. I make efforts to simply say in conversation my American parents and/or my Korean parents because that is what feels most natural and real to me. And, honestly, I wish that was simply enough. But, in adoption, rarely are things simple and rarely is one option enough.
Mila is a wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, as well as a Korean adoptee. She was born in Seoul, South Korea in 1975 and adopted by a White American family 6 months later. She has been in reunion with her Korean family since 2009. You can hear Mila’s voice at collective site Transracial Eyes where she serves as one of 20+ adult adoptee contributors.
This is good stuff to read. Very stirring. I am thankful you shared her perspective.
This is a beautiful post. Very though provoking for sure! Thank you for sharing this! Off to read more of your posts:)
Thank you Mila for sharing! Beautiful!
As another adoptee who has 4 adopted children from China. This was a good article and in many ways I would agree, but have to add each story is unique. I made a choice at age 8 years old if i would ever meet my birth mother as i called her I chose to to be a friend.
When it came to the time we actually connected and she asked me to call her mom, I told her i couldn’t. My mother was the women who invested in my life and gave me all that i had. At times i did call Judy my birth mother mom, but our connection was not deep and i found our relationship was more her feeding her guilt than investing into my life. Judy did contribute to my life genetically – but my adopted mother was the one who has stood by me all these years and knows me, she sacrifically gave her life so i could have more. My birth mother did in some ways too, but this was not by her choosing. She actually had tried to abort me and was unsuccessful. I don’t hold that against her – however to be honest it did hurt finding this out. I have come to my own peace and knowledge that I was chosen to live and given a path to take so that others would benefit.
So at this point in my life I see it as Judy gave me life as the poem of two mothers shares, and my mom completed my life.
My own kids, we talk openly about both moms, and i encourage them to know both if that day ever presents itself – I know that I hold a special place and that will never be taken away.
Wow! Dodson gang! What a testimony of your strength wisdom and fortitude! I admire you in so many ways! Thanks for sharing!
I was happy to read something about the complexities of parent names. I have a stepdaughter and an adopted daughter. My adopted daughter was born here in the US which seems to surprise everyone who finds out. Apparently they think there are no children to adopt in the US, but that is a whole other conversation. My daughter knows she is adopted and we refer to the woman who chose us to parent as her birthmom. One day i heard her talking to my husband and she used the word “real.” This breaks my heart. You see by not having any biological children I so desperately want to be the “real” mom. My stepdaughter and I have a good relationship and she considers me a mom though she doesn’t call me that. However, my youngest, I am her real mom. I named her. Got up with her in the middle of the night. Took her to the ER when she wouldn’t stop crying to find out she had an ear infection. School, birthday parties, hair cuts, sport teams. The thought of someone telling me that isn’t true just makes me want to scream. I brace myself for the time when we have that discussion as a family, but for now I am holding on with white knuckles that term “real mom.”