The third part of the triad {guest post}

triad (trī’ād’) n. A collection of three things having something in common.

adoption triad (əˈdɒpt shuhn trī’ād’) n. The interrelated, interdependent relationship of the people intimately involved in an adoption, namely the birth parents, the adoptive parents, and the adopted person.

I want to introduce you all to Cynthia, a passionate, wise wife and mother who also is a part of that adoption triad as a birthmother.

Can you share a bit about the experience of placing your child for adoption? 

My birthson, Joshua, was born in 2005. He was my third child. I felt ill equipped to give him the best life possible. I knew God had a plan for my son; I just didn’t believe that plan meant parenting. I was in a toxic relationship with his birthfather that I was ready to get out of for good. I was just finally ready to let God lead in my life rather than the other way around.

What level of openness have you had in the past and do you currently have with the adoptive family? 

We enjoy a completely open adoption and have had this arrangement all along. We send pictures, talk on the phone, Skype each other, stay at each other’s homes for minivacations, and our boys communicate as openly as they want.

How have you been able to serve birth mothers?

I started writing Restorative Grief: A Guide To Healing From Adoption for a local agency to use as a post relinquishment tool. Very quickly, it grew into something more. I felt God tugging at my heart when I was seeing birthmom after birthmom still grieving years down the road. There will always be grief on this road, but there were so many women that hadn’t healed in the least, and I just realized that this was not God’s plan for their lives. They were spending so much time tied up in their emotions that they were never stepping out of the mire and into God’s glory. That was why I began writing. There are adoption agencies that use my book to do post-relinquishment counseling with their birthmothers. There are agencies that just hand them to every birthmother when she has placed. The response has been overwhelming and very much a blessing from God!

What message do you wish you could share with adoptive families?

I want adoptive families to understand adoption as God’s heart and not a baby buying business. Sometimes money and desires get in the way and things become convoluted. People want babies so badly illing to do anything, as want money so badly they also will do anything. Birthmothers are at the heart of adoption and we only have adoption as an option because of them. Watch how your agency treats its birthmothers. Ask birthmothers how they are treated after placement has occurred.

I also think all players in the adoption triad must be very honest with themselves about whether or not they are willing to have an open adoption. Many adoptive parents agree to open adoptions and then close them off after relinquishment paperwork is formalized. I have spoken with countless birthparents whose hearts are forever broken because they were fooled.

I believe adoption as a whole is God’s design. But I also believe some adoption reform is necessary because when it becomes about money or deceit, no one wins; least of all the child.

To all adoptive families, pray for your birth families. It is a hard road to walk, even for those who seem like they may have been hardened or unbothered. Pray for them.

How is adoption a part of your family now? How do you talk to the children you are raising about adoption? 

Adoption is an open-ended conversation in our home, and we are very honest in our approach. It has very much become a fact of life and all 3 of my children are close! My husband and I are also close with the adoptive parents. We truly have become family.