I shared yesterday what we do with the gift giving in our family. About 3 years ago, I shared here what we don’t do and why. Three years later, it’s pretty much the same deal.
Grocery store check out lady: “So, what is Santa bringing you for Christmas this year?”
Kids: “We don’t believe in Santa.”
Grocery store check-out lady and all others in earshot: [gasps of horror]
We don’t do Santa in our house. (go ahead, get your gasps out now.)
The kids know that we shop for gifts for them and we fill their stockings hung by the chimney with care. We tell the kids that some families like to play a game with their children, pretending that Santa is real and brings them gifts at Christmas. But, he’s just that, a game based on a really nice man who lived a long time ago named St. Nicholas who gave money to poor families.
We’re cool with him though. We still wave to him at the mall as we explain that it’s really a man dressed up like Santa. In fact, we’ve got one of those costumes in our cedar closet that my granddad used to wear. We still read Twas the Night Before Christmas and sing along to Here Comes Santa Claus. And, we all look forward to the classic Christmas specials with Rudulph and the silly dentist elf. But, we’ve just never been into the whole game for a handful of reasons.
* Simply put, keeping up the Santa story can distract us from talking about Jesus’ birth and the significance of the incarnation.
* I know it can be fun, but it’s not truth. In fact, we know people who have created quite a web of lies to protect their children’s belief in Santa. Perhaps it’s my overthinking coming into play, but we’d rather have our kids know they can totally trust us rather than build a complicated story that others reinforce which they later find out isn’t actually true. If we lie about Santa, would our children question whether we are lying about other things that are unseen? If we ask them to believe in a Santa they cannot see and they find out we have lied, will they doubt whether our testimony that God is real is true?
* We want our children to understand the value of the gifts they are given, from us or other family members, and recognize that some gifts are a real sacrifice financially and have taken a lot of effort. We want them to learn gratefulness for this sacrifice. We think telling them that Santa gave them their gifts takes away from their understanding of generosity and sacrifice.
* We do not want them to fall prey to a works mentality. We’ve all heard it–“Stop that or else Santa will put you on the naughty list!” We don’t want our children to think that blessings depend solely on whether they have been good or bad. We want them to understand what grace is–God’s unmerited favor, kindness from God that we don’t deserve. There is nothing we have done or can ever do to earn this favor. The classic lesson that “being bad” may put them on the “naughty list,” translating into less presents or a lump of coal could really hinder their understanding of grace.
It’s how we do things, but we respect that others do things differently. I know friends who have fond memories of leaving out milk and cookies and all that and want to give their kiddos the same. I get that. We’ve got some traditions we can’t let go of too. And, don’t worry–we tell the kids that some families really like the game. They have strict instructions not to tell other kids that Santa isn’t real in case they believe he is.
Of course, that may not stop Lydia who told Mark on the phone yesterday when we got back from a little Christmas shopping: “I’m not going to tell you I bought a flashlight. I don’t want to tell you, okay?”
Yep. ;). Same here. I’ve never quite understood the heavy burden families face in “keeping the season about Jesus”. It’s always been about Him in our family. It’s rather simple. Having grown kids now and little ones – wouldn’t change a thing. Gift giving in our fam is such a sweet time together. And we totally do stockings – this momma loves finding little treasures that fit inside. We don’t have to make up a fairy tale to enjoy these times together or to make them special. They just are.
My thoughts EXACTLY. We do not celebrate santa either (or easter bunny or halloween) and we have no problem telling people when they ask in public. I get so tired of people asking my kids what they want from santa, or if they are ready for santa, or if they’ve been good so santa will bring them things.
Thank you, Kelly. You’ve said it so well.
I don’t have kids but I have always thought if I do, I will certainly not be telling them a nonexistant man is real and breaking into our house (through a chimney we don’t even have)to leave them presents and eat our cookies and drink our milk! That sounds crazy when you really think about it, haha.
I agree with you 100% and even all the more so now that I’ve been saved by the Reason for the Season =)
We do the same thing for the same reasons. I love how my kids (5 and 7)answer the inevitable questions/comments about Santa this time of year…or rather I love the reaction of the person doing the questioning/commenting! :)
Totally agree! We don’t do Santa either–although, like you, we are fine with him and sometimes the kids sit on his lap at the store, just for fun.
Love, love, LOVE this post… We’ve been doing the same for 25 years now for the exact same reasons! You articulated it perfectly! How well I understand the looks of horror from friends and family that don’t agree with our family decision regarding Santa Claus! Geezy – Wheezy! I mean…. look at my kids! Can’t you tell how much they have been denied by receiving gifts from the people that adore them instead of a fat guy that knows nothing of them? An early Merry Christmas to you, Kelly! May Jesus’ grace abound this year in our homes! Blessings, Lori McCary
Just curious. Did any of you believe in Santa when you were children?
I’m just wondering if you did, do you now have betrayal issues with your parents and do you have trust issues with them?
Do what you will with your children. I don’t care or have any say in how you raise them, and the secular side of Christmas is certainly getting out of hand, but I think that is more about the adult secular side much more than the Santa secular side.
A couple of months ago I had a talk with my 17 yr old son about Santa. Santa was a fun side of Christmas for our family. The Birth of Jesus is the real side of Christmas for our family. I made sure all through the year that our kids know how we feel and what we believe about our relationship with Jesus Christ. They know we talk about Santa in late Nov through Dec, but that Jesus is talked about always. We don’t go to church to worship Santa, but only God.
I totally support your decision to raise your kids the way you see fit, but bringing up the betrayal thing just has me wondering if any of you feel betrayed. My son didn’t. I didn’t. My 13 yr old daughter and I haven’t had the “talk” yet.
I do hope each of you have a Happy Thanksgiving, a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.
I agree! I didn’t feel lied to or betrayed by my parents. And my oldest son doesbt feel that way either about us. It’s just for fun and they know that. They all know what CHRISTmas is really about!
We don’t do Santa either. For all of the reason you listed. However, my father-in-law plays Santa, because he looks just like him with a long gray beard. So my kids get a kick out of telling other peoples kids (who “believe” in Santa) that Santa is their grandpa and then break out a picture to prove it.
Sounds like you guys have a great way of blending tradition with reality. Maybe teaching children that real people are behind “the magic” will make them enthusiastic about doing things for others!
We do the same! We have the storybooks and all, but we explain that he is pretend, just like you say, that the story is based on a true person who was really generous.
Jesus, however, is the real deal. My mom did the same thing, and we weren’t scarred for life! I did feel badly, though, when my little girl informed her friend next door. D’oh! LOL.
We don’t “do” santa either. Our 5 year old just thinks of him like any other character that’s fun to read and think about. Last year was the first year we had to really remind her to just not talk about santa with other kids. That was a hard concept for her since the child cannot lie, but she didn’t blow anyones santa dreams.
I grew up doing santa and it didn’t scar me when I found out he wasn’t real, but I also don’t remember any benefit of believing in santa. So we just didn’t do it.
Ok, I’ll throw in an opposing point of view, since I am a non-Christian and I have heard that *gasp* oh so many times when I say as much. Santa is a belief, that’s all. I could argue that Christianity is “all a web of lies.” After all, we can’t prove that Santa doesn’t exist, can we? You can’t prove a negative. You’re sort of dissing me for teaching my kids about a Santa they cannot see, but in my mind, you’re teaching about a Jesus you cannot see either.
While I’m trying very hard not to disrespect your belief system, the fact is, every place that you’ve put the word “Santa” and I could put in the word “Jesus.” Yet, then good grief would I get the hate mail. “Stop that or else you’re going to the hot place!” is not much different in my mind, than threatening kids with Santa, though I don’t do either.
So for my Christmas holiday, it’s all about the secular aspects of the holiday and nothing religious. But I would never lay out in a post all the specifics of the Christian Christmas and what I don’t like about them or why I don’t believe in them and poke holes in the argument.
I think it’s also wrong to assume that I (or any other family) that does do Santa doesn’t teach other values like generosity and sacrifice and gratefulness. Not having a religion does not mean I do not have a moral compass, in fact, you know me to some extent and you know that is not true.
Don’t you just love the judgement from folks when you share that your kids don’t believe in Santa or the Easter Bunny? I am always amazed! What amazed me is that the judgement is based on me telling my children the TRUTH. LOL! Great post!
Hey Lisa, I appreciate you speaking up. Hope you don’t mind me commenting back publicly.
You are right, I AM teaching my kids about a Jesus they cannot physically see. It’s not teaching kids about something they can’t see that is the issue – the way I see it, if we teach them about things they cannot see that ARE NOT true, they will struggle believing in the real truth they cannot see. And, we believe that Jesus is real truth.
I agree with you on this – “Stop that or else you’re going to the hot place!” is not much different than threatening kids with Santa. That was my point. I don’t want my kids having that mentality ever. We want our kids to know that they are saved by grace through faith not because of anything they have done or do not do. I do not want them to grow up thinking that anything they do will send them to hell. It’s not about what they do–it’s all about grace.
We’re all trying to teach our families about generosity and sacrifice and gratefulness. I know you are right there in that with us. We all look for creative ways to do that. One of the ways we teach our kids that is through gift giving from us. It doesn’t mean it’s the only way. I wish it were! Parenting would be a whole lot easier if that were the case! I’m always looking for ways to instill that in them.
After posting this this morning, a blogging mama you know, Lisa, shot me a post she did with a bit of the “other side” and I actually appreciated it so much that I asked her to guest post on my blog about it. So, keep your eyes open. I’m not opposed to hearing what other folks do that is different. This post was just my voice on what we do.
I love Santa, I love the magic, the wonder and the spirit of giving he provides. In our home Santa loves Jesus so much that he wants to share that love by bringing happiness and joy to the children of the world. While Santa helps us celebrate with gifts, we are honoring the birth of Jesus.
Kelly, I’m right there with you for the same reasons plus. I’m fine with the opposing view being brought up, too. If you don’t believe in Jesus, then Christmas wouldn’t be anything but a consumeristic holiday, but since we do believe in Him, that is who we want the focus to be on. I did struggle with whether or not to do Santa when I first brought my daughter home – I see the fun in the magic and wonder of a child that believes Santa is real. But I’ve also seen the downside when they really find out he isn’t. No, they weren’t scarred for life, but still..that moment…it’s just so heartwrenching to see a dream shattered.
But by and large, for us, our children were orphans. They know this world is not perfect and fair. Santa didn’t come hopping down their chimneys. We want to teach them to be generous to others, and we support other orphans and send gifts to those – such as Operation Christmas child – who would likely receive no presents otherwise. If we say Santa is real, then why would we need to help others? If Santa brings all good boys and girls presents for Christmas, then why would there be any Christmas charities like Samaritan’s Purse, Toys for Tots and Angel Tree, etc.? It is more important to us that our children understand the spirit of St. Nicholas and how we can be generous to those who are in need. There is no magic Santa to shower them with presents. And in our own family where things are tight, they need to understand this, too, as they will not get everything they ask for. It is a sacrifice, as mentioned above.
We are full-on Santa lovers in our family. To me Santa IS all about generosity and sacrifice. Santa works all year to give to others. Santa wants to see all children with smiles on their faces.
As children get older, they begin to understand that Santa is a metaphor for how we all should act. WE all should be like Santa. We all should work to put smiles on others’ faces. We learn that Christmas is more fun in the giving than the receiving.
To me Santa and the belief of religions that we should sacrifice and help others goes hand in hand.
To claim that Santa is lying to our children is really an oversimplification. With this logic, any book where an animal talks and acts like a human would be a lie. Fairy tales would be a lie. I believe that these types of stories are necessary because young children are able to relate to them. We teach our children the difference between fiction and non-fiction. They are confused at times…are dinosaurs real? Are princesses real? Are wizards, witches, and vampires real? Are the people on T.V. real? I don’t lie to my child by letting her believe in fairy princesses and Santa. Fact versus fiction is just another life lesson. In fact even our fiction has a lot of truth in it…Santa included.
There is no one Santa…instead there are millions of Santas, spreading joy and charity throughout the season. What a great world we all personified Santa a bit in our lives.
Hi Kelly! I asked Erin last night about how she does gift giving and about helping me think through ways to modify ours because we have 7 little ones in our home this year and I want it to have meaning but also be cost effective. She pointed me to your 3 gifts blog. I love it! I think the experience gift will be perfect for my older kids and I just read the post about Santa and I will have to consider sitting down with my kids and having a similar conversation. The older kids are already suspicious and I would feel much better if there wasn’t this facade we were pulling out every year. Especially since we are starting to have serious conversations about their birth parents and missing birth family members and I don’t want to have any mistrust complicating our relationship even if it is a minor, happy fantasy such as Santa. Thanks for reposting these!
What I was trying to say, and didn’t do so so eloquently because admittedly I get defensive this time of year (trust me, you’re not the only one who has their belief systems questioned at Christmas!, is that we’re all teaching the same lessons, just doing it differently. I appreciate you publishing the other side and look forward to reading it.
I wholeheartedly disagree with Jill’s comment that without Jesus, Christmas “wouldn’t be anything but a consumeristic holiday.” It’s not only untrue, but a bit insulting to those of us who do not believe in Jesus–as if we’re incapable of doing anything but going to Walmarts every December. And this is why I get defensive. Plus the “opposing view” comment, and I am genuinely trying to have a good conversation here–but why do we have to be in opposition with each other? Why can’t it just be a different view or other view, why opposing? Now maybe *I* am the one who is overthinking things, but these are the little nuances in every day conversation that frustrate me.
Yes, my family believes in Santa–their is nothing wrong the promise of good things if you do good deeds, isn’t that what Christianity is all about? My family is more than aware that life is not fair, having Santa in our lives doesn’t change the reality of the world for us, it’s just a fun escape. Santa and charities and good deeds can all co-exist side by side–and in fact those things do all exist in millions of non-Christian households all over the world.
Children are not scarred for life when they discover Santa isn’t real-my boys will still have plenty to celebrate every November and December.
We celebrate both aspects of Christmas because I love the fun of Santa but need my children to understand the true meaning of Christmas. I don’t think they’ll have trust issues, I didn’t when I was a child and plan to bring my oldest (9yo) in on the Santa secret when she is ready….so she can be in on the fun!
My daughter also asked us very young, why were buying gifts for children, why Santa didn’t just bring everything. My response to her was, even Santa needs a little help to make sure everyone has a wonderful Christmas. She was happy with that response and never questioned it again.
I wish someone had told me the 3 gifts thing when my kids were small….it makes so much sense!
I totally respect those who do not want to do Santa, and I understand the reasons. I AM a Christian AND (GASP!) we DO Santa. Can I be honest? I am trying not to be reverse offended by the insinuation that we equate Santa to Jesus in our home. This could not be further from the truth. For us, it is just a fun tradition. We do not use Santa as a weapon or excuse to get our children to behave, we don’t talk it all up, we don’t talk about Santa year-round, we don’t take our children to the the church of Santa. The Christmas story IS JESUS. It is just for fun. We did Santa in our home as a child and I LOVED it. I was not mad or disappointed to realize he was not real. In fact, I kind of wanted to keep it going….the magical aspect of it was just….yes, fun. I have thought about it a lot, and YES, I am okay with it. Even as a Christian. But I am not going to talk trash about people who do not agree with me on this. I feel kind of like us “santa” people are being judged wrongly. For the umpteenth time on the umpteenth issue…can we just agree that – even as Christians – there is more than one right way to raise a child??
Lisa, there are some traditions that come under the umbrella of Christianity that teach the promise of good things if you do good deeds. However, that’s not what the story we read in the Bible from Genesis to the end. It’s really about the gift of good things to a people who do not deserve it at all. We do not believe that we can ever do enough good things to earn God’s favor. But, by grace, He has saved us, a people utterly broken and totally undeserving. That’s what we communicate to our kiddos – there is nothing they can do to make God love them any more or any less.
I’d love to talk to you more about it if you ever want to–not to try to convince you or defend myself or anything like that–just to help you understand where I’m coming from if you are interested and so that I can hear where you are coming from.
The whole Santa thing is clearly a hot button for both Christians and nonChristians alike! Lots of ways of thinking about traditions from people of all faiths – really appreciate the opportunity for discussion!
Beautiful thoughtful post. Reinforces the uniqueness of America and our founding principles of religious freedom.Hope as we celebrate Thanksgiving we remember tolerance and compassion. How do we prove anything…even the love we have for each other? Perhaps by our actions..
Whatever name u give them
I’ve always LOVED how you “do” Christmas.
We have never said Santa brings any gifts and we have never really said he didn’t. Probably not the best approach. But Sarah has it pretty much figured out that he doesn’t exist and she has said it many times. This may be the year we have “the talk”. I’ve always been annoyed when people ask my kids what is Santa bringing them this year.
I’m finding keeping up the Santa lie to be very hard. For example: our Girl Scout troop is going to collect toys for the food plantry again. We told them that these toys may be the only toys they get this year. Of course, a few girls asked “well, don’t they get gifts from Santa?”. How are you supposed to answer that because the truth is they WILL NOT get gifts from Santa? So, how do you expain this to them and keep up the Santa lie?
Stacey V
I am the grandpa who plays Santa. I am a real bearded Santa who also believes in Jesus. I wear my Father Christmas robes and a cross instead of a Santa suit. I promote good family values and I enjoy putting smiles on children of all ages. I even have a sleigh and a golden retriever named Rudolph. You can find out how children can receive A Video Call From Santa at http://www.InternetVisitWithSanta.com
SantaJon
How gratifying to find all of these non-Santa parents! We’re the only ones in our circle. Blessed be.
Santa aside, I don’t agree that children should be aware of their parents’ sacrifices for their Christmas presents. Kids shouldn’t have to worry about their parents’ finances, etc. No child should be made to feel guilty for their Christmas presents, and no parent should want them to feel that way.
You’ve given me an opening here that I hope you won’t mind me taking a little advantage of. The original discussion that sparked this was an article by a social worker discussing Santa Claus as concerns adopted children. My problem with the article is that it worries itself to death about one myth, Santa Claus, while ignoring the fact that the adopted child is being raised imbued and indoctrinated by the current dominant mediation about adoption which likewise proves to be false, and which likewise has ramifications when undone.
Adoptees refer to this as “coming out of the fog”, or “no longer drinking the Kool-Aid”. It is really time for adoptive parents to acknowledge that this eventuality cannot be “story-told” out of the way; or covered up by a separate religious inculcation. That there is a “truth” here, if you will, that is just as valid to explore, even if it puts the adoptive parent–adopted child relationship at risk. Are adoptive parents willing to go through this? Not from what I’ve seen or heard.
There’s an aspect of Santa Claus that we ignore, the fact that the origin of the tradition—St. Nicholas—is lost in the cultural morass of American assimilation of immigrant populations. That our mediated version of Santa comes to us from the Coca-Cola ads of the turn of last century should give us great pause as to where we put our emphasis concerning cultural memory. Because the loss that adoptees suffer is the same as those of their mostly immigrant adoptive families.
If I were to take the words of Jesus (pbuh) as I see them as needing to be read, I would perhaps find them at odds with the nuclear family discussion we’re having here. The internally focused “gift-giving” that we are talking about, if it were extended (as it was meant to be) to the greater community, would do much to right the conditions of inequality in society that give us the situation where those who have are able to take from those who have not. In this, the perfection of how Jesus would will us to live, is the answer to “orphans”; given that it is in sharp contradiction to His teachings, does, in fact, make adoption an Evil. And an unnecessary one.
You’ve given me an opening here that I hope you won’t mind me taking a little advantage of. The original discussion that sparked this was an article by a social worker discussing Santa Claus as concerns adopted children. My problem with the article is that it worries itself to death about one myth, Santa Claus, while ignoring the fact that the adopted child is being raised imbued and indoctrinated by the current dominant mediation about adoption which likewise proves to be false, and which likewise has ramifications when undone.
Adoptees refer to this as “coming out of the fog”, or “no longer drinking the Kool-Aid”. It is really time for adoptive parents to acknowledge that this eventuality cannot be “story-told” out of the way; or covered up by a separate religious inculcation. That there is a “truth” here, if you will, that is just as valid to explore, even if it puts the adoptive parent–adopted child relationship at risk. Are adoptive parents willing to go through this? Not from what I’ve seen or heard.
There’s an aspect of Santa Claus that we ignore, the fact that the origin of the tradition—St. Nicholas—is lost in the cultural morass of American assimilation of immigrant populations. That our mediated version of Santa comes to us from the Coca-Cola ads of the turn of last century should give us great pause as to where we put our emphasis concerning cultural memory. Because the loss that adoptees suffer is the same as those of their mostly immigrant adoptive families.
If I were to take the words of Jesus (pbuh) as I see them as needing to be read, I would perhaps find them at odds with the nuclear family discussion we’re having here. The internally focused “gift-giving” that we are talking about, if it were extended (as it was meant to be) to the greater community, would do much to right the conditions of inequality in society that give us the situation where those who have are able to take from those who have not. In this, the perfection of how Jesus would will us to live, is the answer to “orphans”; given that it is in sharp contradiction to His teachings, does, in fact, make adoption an Evil. And an unnecessary one.