We were invited to their house for decaf coffee, chocolate dipped strawberries, and an official brain-picking session. They are just starting their adoption adventure and having just had their first home-study visit that afternoon, they were chock full of questions for us. As they went down their question list, we jumped in with two feet, pulling from our own experiences and those of a whole bunch of other way more experienced families that we’ve been privy to walk alongside. I’m pretty sure we gave them a whole lot to think about given their note taking and wide eyes ranging from one parent traveling vs. both parents to sibling adjustments to attachment to going through that special needs list.
In between questions about what to pack and how to prepare your extended family for your intentional attachment efforts came this one:
The social worker today told us that 90% of the children who are adopted from China come home with sleep problems. Is that really true?
Try to picture the face of this young mom…of two very young children…as she asked. She kinda had that expression on her face like if I answered her with an affirmative, she may simply collapse onto her chocolate covered strawberries in utter defeat.
[Pause that whole scene right there.]
There’s no phone-a-friend Facebook opportunities in the middle of a live brain-picking session. If there were, I’d have had a lot to offer her because I later posted the question out there and got a whole lot of folks weighing in. In fact, the post rallied well over 60 comments from my peeps that were all over the board. In the end, here’s what I gleaned most from those comments: Yes, that social worker overstated that statistic, but for those of you whose children did or do have sleep issues, it’s 100% to you, and you may have benefited from a social worker clueing you into the greater potential for sleep issues in adopted children on the front end.
[Unpause. Back to the scene.]
I looked at that young mother who had already received an earful from me, who looked exhausted already and was gritting her teeth in hopes I’d oddly completely contradict the social worker. And, I told her something along these lines…(give or take 90% of the words…kidding…)
Well, I think 90% is overstated for sure. So, if you simply want my opinion on a very-subjective statistic, I’d put it a lot less than that which maybe makes you feel better? But, I will say this. Whatever that statistic is for children born to you who have not experienced any trauma—which I’m sure is documented somewhere—it’s going to be higher for your child from China. Not considering the very short-term sleep issues which you all will face as you adjust to the time difference and recover from jet lag and not considering the longer but still short-term issues your child will face adjusting to all the newness of your family and home, you need to know that children who have had hard starts are going to have more sleep issues than those who have not statistically speaking. There’s lots of reasons for this; I’m sure you’ll read all about them. And, if you want to hear more about that, I’m glad to get into all that with you too. But, the bottom line is this: many do have trouble; but many do not. Go into this expecting that your new child may have sleep issues and that those sleep issues may be even more challenging to you than whatever sleep issues you’ve faced with your other kids. Your own attachment process will be challenged by it. And, you’re going to have to work together as a couple to handle whatever sleep issues arise in new ways, assuming you used the more go-to, traditional methods with your other children.
It may not have been the answer she and her husband were praying we’d give them really. But, you know what, they looked at each other and nodded. They’re tired and anticipating more tired is hard. But, there was solidarity in those nods to each other. And, there’s nothing that can prepare them best for this crazy adventure than that.
Lydia in 2012, about 2 years home. For the record, she had sleeping issues for about a year, issues that look way different than what we were used to. She slept as a coping mechanism and had to be trained to actually wake up. How’s that for different?
That’s very interesting…did you co-sleep with Lydia? What percentage of your adoption friends co-slept with their newly adopted children? I am such a light sleeper anyway…co-sleeping would be really hard for me.
Hi Danielle, we did not co-sleep with Lydia. When she came home, we put her right in a bedroom with her sister. They still share a room now, years later, and we plan on keeping them together for the long haul. As far as percentages go, I’d be lying to you to try to come up with a number. I know many families do it for a time and feel strongly as to its benefits. While we saw how it would be helpful for our daughter, we felt like there were other methods for assuring her and building felt safety that fit us better. Home now 5 years, I don’t regret our choice.