With Mark’s return from China has come a lot of questions from our oldest daughter.
Some questions that I can answer; and many I cannot. Questions about Lydia and her first family. Why questions, who are they questions, what do they look like, where do they live. Questions about the details of Lydia’s story.
“Do you think she’ll remember China and be able to tell us about it and her first family when she’s a little bit older?”
“No, honey, I don’t think so. She was too young to remember it.”
. . .
And, then she cried. She cried.
I’m not sure why it made her so sad except for the reasons it makes me sad too.
There is so much we just don’t know. I want to know, but I likely never will despite my efforts to learn more and find someone who knows something more.
I read an article today. A young college girl who was adopted from China as an infant is in China now searching for her foster family and her birth family–she’s now already found her foster family from 20 years ago. She’s gotten a lot of media attention there for her efforts. And lots of different reactions. Some support her searching and encourage her. Others like 鱼不离水 think otherwise: “I advise that you stop trying to find your birth parents. I believe that they don’t have nearly the compassion and broadmindedness of your adopted mother, or else why would they have abandoned you in the first place? Even if you find them, it will only bring them regret and humiliation. Why bother?”
Let me show you why.
Absolutely precious!
We adopted Hope from Baoji 6 years ago…it’s really difficult to get any info out of Baoji. We did manage to obtain her police report though. Let me know if you have any other idea’s…..
Sobbing. Bless her heart…so thankful for her compassion and her passion. She is a treasure.
Love that picture of Lydia!
Emma has started asking questions. Maybe I spoke of her “finding spot” etc, too early…but I want it to just be part of her story from the beginning. Such a difficult area to navigate…
I may pick your brain about ideas and thoughts…
I struggle with this one a LOT. I have mixed feelings. On one hand, I want my children to be happy, and to have a peace about who they are and how they came to be my children. To that end, I’ll support their desires to learn more about their stories in China.
On the other hand, I tend to agree, somewhat, with the comment on the young lady’s story. I think that as adoptive parents, we are often guilty of romanticising the story of our children’s abandonment. We like to think of that poor rural family facing the hardship of a special needs child, or the stigma or pressure for a male child, so the feel they have no other choice than to take the chance that their only child will be adopted by kind Americans and given a better life than could be expected in China. While I’m certain that there are many instances where this story is accurate, I suspect that there just as many where it couldn’t be further from the truth. It’s just as possible that these children could be the result of rape or incest, or teenage mothers, or so many other sordid or tragic circumstances that we simply do not want to consider.
So, between the two of those is where I find myself on this issue, but I remember what an adoptive mom told me when we were discussing it the last time we were in China…we have an obligation to know what we can, and at the proper time, we let our child know that too. I am certain it will be difficult. I am certain that as adoptive parents we will feel insecure or threatened by this unknown, however, I KNOW how much I love these children, and I will gladly bear that insecurity and pain if need be. I could do no less for the overwhelming joy these children are to me. If adoption is God’s choice of how we respond to the tragedy of abandonment or any other circumstance that leaves them as orphans, then LOVE, compassion and understanding is required throughout ALL of what adoption means…
When we adopted both Wyatt and Julia I had these desires to know the full story and the desire to be able to tell them of the things I could tell my bio kids. I wanted to say when they started crawling and first got their teeth etc. I prayed for God to redeem the years the locusts ate. We are years beyond that now, and I think those years have been redeemed. I don’t fret over that stuff any more. There are holes in the story, but those holes don’t define these great people. When they get older if they need to search for this information, I will fully support them. I have and adult friend who was adopted and says she never has any desire to seek out her birth family. Every one is different, and you spoke that so beautifully in this post.
I read that article a few days ago. I wish her luck. I was adopted by my dad (step-parent adoption). I met my biological dad a couple of times. Although I have chosen not to have a relationship with him, I am forever grateful to have had the opportunity. For his part, he has let me know he regrets having given up custody; however, he knows he was not a good father to me (essentially nonexistent). I appreciated hearing this from him, and was happy to have information on my beginnings (including & especially some medical background).
For our son adopted from China, I am so hopeful this girl’s journey & the attention it is receiving, will someday help some of the other China adoptees. Everyone has the question in their hearts of where they came from. Whether they choose to seek out those answers (spiritually, logistically, etc) is their own decision. But to at least have the opportunity to attempt to find the answers is a gift – one that most Chinese adoptees don’t think they have.
Thank you for sharing!
Our Madeline still awaits us in China, but we have already been asked this question by several people. If we were going to try to find her “real” parents.
I’m not sure how to even go about it. I do know that if Madeline wants/needs to, we will support and help in any way we can:)
We talk about this a lot at our home. Blair has some very hard questions. Hard to answer because we don’t know the answer. Hard to answer because the answer is not always what we want to think about or hear. It’s just hard.
Then there’s sweet Kate. She too already has questions. They reveal that even at her young age it is raw. The need is raw. The questions are raw. The hope that “one day” is raw. And it hurts this mama’s heart to hear that raw spot in my daughter. That spot that I pray about daily.
It’s something I am almost 100% sure we will face later in life and that Miss K will want to try to find some answers. Now I am at a crossroads. Since I see it coming do I go ahead and start now, or do I wait until it is lead by her? Sigh. Hard and raw.
Oh my goodness.
I am touched my your older daughter’s compassion, love, wisdom, and insight.
Thanks for sharing. :)