If Susan had asked me…

I am the mother of 3 adopted girls. I find the men I date are okay when I tell them I have 3 daughters, but when they find out they are adopted, and from 3 different countries and not my own biological children, they don’t want to date anymore. Whether I tell them upfront or after a couple of dates, all the men are reacting the same way. They say that they would be okay with it if the girls were biological children and came with child support. Why are these men reacting this way?

Dear Susan,
Please know how sorry I am that you have found yourself here, hurting and discouraged and needing to ask this question. I can only imagine how hard it must be to be considering moving along in a relationship and then to be hurt by words and the sentiment behind them that these men have expressed to you.

You asked the question: “Why are these men reacting this way?” So, I’ll do my best to give an answer to that. These men do not share your same heart, the heart that followed God’s call to make these girls your girls. And, frankly, from what you share here, it doesn’t seem like they are men after God’s heart at all.

In the past, when friends have shared about difficult relationships and asked similar questions (“Why would she do that?” “I don’t understand why he acts this way.”), I typically answer with this–Why wouldn’t she? Why would you expect something different? It is only by God’s grace and His supernatural heart surgery that we’re able to be different. If someone has not experienced heart change through faith by grace, how can we expect him or her to act like he or she has? With hearts unchanged by God, how could you expect these men to act as loving, godly men ready to embrace you and your family as one?

That may answer the question you posed, but perhaps there is an underlying question a bit harder to ask. The words aren’t there, but maybe the feelings are. So, without asking the question myself for you, I want to simply answer it just in case it is there.

You are the mother God called to mother these precious girls. And, He stands with you as you live out that calling every single day. Embrace joy knowing that you have been chosen for this grand purpose of motherhood. As you experience hurt and rejection, do not question that call and doubt His love for you and your family. Trust that He is ever present, ever loving, ever active in your lives. Continue to seek God’s best for your family and trust that if He has a husband set apart for you–which He may or may not–that husband will be one who will share your heart and not place qualifications (like child support) on his love for each member of your family. Thank Him for protecting you from men who are not His best for you and for your daughters. And, take action to surround yourself as a single mother with a community who will remind you of Truth when you are discouraged or finding yourself longing for something you don’t have today. Let people who do share the heart of God pour into you and your girls as you walk the path set before you.