photo from China Foto Press in 2014 in Guangzhou outside a “baby hatch”
I love what I get to do.
There are different parts, each unique yet related and cohesive at the same time. China work. Caring for caregivers through The Sparrow Fund. Coming alongside adoptive families. I likely share the least about that last part—not because there are not valuable things to share but because there are a lot of hard parts and stories that I do not own.
About 10 hours a week, I’m sitting with moms and dads and kids who want more for their families than what they have now. My role is a simple but significant one. I get invited in. For a season, I get to be a professional mourner and a helpful appreciator to grieve the hard parts and magnify the good parts.
When I officially started a few years ago at the Attachment & Bonding Center of PA, I knew history mattered. Now, I know history matters in a deep sort of way. The tears I’ve cried beside families when their babies have said, “she shouldn’t have just left me there!” and asked, “”why didn’t they tell me I was leaving?” have changed me and the way I understand the world.
One of the things each one of the therapists on my team do is help parents walk with their children as they process their stories. I’d even say it’s one of our specialties. We are not afraid to enter right into the hard, bringing moms and dads with us there. If that’s where our kids are, then that’s where we need to be.
I’ve been trained in ways to do this. But, I want to evolve, grow, never stop adding new tools to offer that just may help a child and that child’s parents see things in new ways, process more deeply, and connect more deeply still.
I’m on a mission right now to do that. I want to add a tool we haven’t used before to help families consider more deeply what life may have been like for their birth families, to help families hear their voices. I want to use finding letters, real finding letters, letters reportedly found with a child at the time of abandonment. Not their own as not many were found with letters and fewer still received them. I want to use finding letters as an exercise to stop and listen to some so that they can stop and imagine what their own birth families may have said.
I need help from adopted persons from China to do this. My work isn’t only with families with children from China. This tool, however, will be. I am looking for Chinese adopted persons who have copies of finding notes and who are comfortable sharing them for the purpose of helping other adopted persons.
To participate, people simply need to email kraudenbush@sparrow-fund.org with a jpg or png image of your finding letter and any background information you want to share. Include somewhere in the email permission to use the finding note for therapeutic purposes. I’ll have the notes translated and share that with each participant, including any associated observations about word choice or writing style, etc.
This is a great project, but my understanding is and you mention in the first line, each child’s history is unique. Although these letters are a possible glimpse, they are not always “their history facts”. I’m sure you know this and have a balanced plan for this.
It has been our experience to understand, the best possible thing is to let her recollections- early on guide us. Many parents and caregivers snug out these recollections like the child can’t possibly remember anything. I think you know, our daughter had very real recollections and communicated those to us VERY early home. We assured her since day one nothing she remembers or shared is off limits- she can share anytime. We were blessed that she also was exposed to our language and could actually translate mandarin a few months home, and she was older ( 28 months).
I say all this because I recall the “anti-memory” theory.
I believe our child’s memory is much better than we can ever imagine- and we as parents should learn to respect and trust that- and welcome those conversations- in her time. I will never forget the day my daughter shared a snapshot on two sentences of the day she was abandoned. It was a pivotal day for me- and I was thankful for the articles I had read that prepared me to know what to do and how to react- I met her there and cried with her, until she asked, ” how can I get happy again?”.
Another moment was at Easter, I had a cold, she put an Clear plastic half of an plastic egg shaped Easter candy container over my mouth and says, ” help you breathe” If she remembered the mask, from the hospital- what else died she remember? So I asked her, ” who else was with you in the hospital.?” She replied, “Jesus Mommy. Jesus.” I believe. I believe every single thing she says and record it for her.
It’s her most factual history we have. To dismiss it as imaginary or not real is to dismiss her history.
As parents we often make assumptions, I recall moments as a child big and small tgats are so vivid to me. Still, 50+ years ago. Especially those times that were big events or in my little world seemed very big to me-and seen little now. Clearly when our children are only a few months or years from the events, it is short-term memory at that point. Much more vivid.
Just some thoughts I felt called to share. I will add- I learned before we brought her home and has proven true since, she will never stop processing her history-never. There is no end, no fixing it…just processing. As a parent, I hope she will always feel free to openly and honestly process with no fear of judgment or discounting. Always.
I wish there was more about this out there for adoptive families. There are all kinds of clues and fact that build a real story unique to them. For me someone else’s finding note is not relivent to my daughter at all. “Her” history..and facts are.
I know there are lots of cases that the facts we have are not real too. Which again sheds doubt on what we do know. I tell her- these facts are all we have, but we need to be open to the reality they might not be true. In the meantime- her memories are real to her and as factual as it gets.
Encourage communication on this issue is all you can do. It’s so important.
God is so very good.