Rewind 7 years.
We’re going to do foster care.
My sister and her husband shared the news. And, I shared my thoughts, which really were a number of reasons why foster care was not a good idea.
Eloquent argument #1: It is a lot of work. There’s paperwork and training and meetings and appointments just to get permission to foster in the first place. After you have a child in your home, those meetings and appointments won’t end. Then, add in the normal care-for-a-child stuff inherent to caring for a child. That’s a lot of work for a child who isn’t your own. Wouldn’t it be so much easier to just avoid it altogether?
And…
They have worked hard. A lot of training. A lot of meetings. A lot of teacher conferences and doctor appointments and social worker visits. It hasn’t been easy. But, you know what? It’s been worth it. They’ve been developed individually and as parents together. But, greater than that, they’ve experienced the blessing of getting to play a significant part in a child’s life and getting a front row seat to witnessing every child they’ve served grow and learn and experience healing in part or in whole. I admit that it’s been pretty amazing to watch from the sidelines.
Eloquent argument #2: You have to face hard stuff. If a kid needs a foster home, something has broken that should not have been broken. And, when you start foster parenting, you step into that brokenness. Simply acknowledging the messyness can be hard. But, when you step into that mess, you have to not only recognize that that mess exists, you get messy too. Hard stuff. Wouldn’t it be so much more comfortable to just avoid it altogether?
And…
They have faced hard stuff—a toddler found walking on the highway, a teenage girl given only a few clothes she could fit in a backpack and enough money for a one-way bus ride, and children having children. But, you know what? They can do hard stuff. They have been changed as they have come face to face with brokenness in their own neighborhood. They’ve gotten messy as those caring for children from hard places inevitably do, but they also know the God who is right there in the mess and, because of Him, they know how to wash the feet of the children in their home, bringing restoration into broken lives. And, that is what it’s all about.
Eloquent argument #3: Your heart may get broken. The goal of foster care is not adoption. While there are adoptions out of foster care, fostering isn’t designed as a way to grow a new family; family reunification is the goal. That means you are likely going to give and give to a child only to see him or her go to another family long term. Wouldn’t it be so much safer to just avoid it altogether?
And…
Their hearts have more texture than they had 7 years ago. Some newborns stayed for only a few days. Some children stayed for over a year. We’ve watched them open gifts on Christmas morning. We’ve clapped when they’ve blown out birthday candles. My mother made a teenage girl jump up and down with pure joy when she gave her a pair of big-girl footie pajamas after she said she had always wanted a pair and never had them as a little girl. They have braided hair, left quarters under pillows from the tooth fairy, helped with homework, read bedtime stories, and taught them how to pray. The family celebrated when the first child they fostered became their son. But, we’ve said goodbye to many more. All of our hearts have more texture today than they did before we knew these children. If you took an x-ray of my sister’s heart, you’d see a lot of cracks and craters of stories in there, stories of children they loved and served for a time. But, that heart is also bigger than it was before, capable of even more love than it was before they took that step to become foster parents and stand in the gap for the children who need it the most.
Somewhere along the way, my eloquent arguments seemed to lose steam and the reality of foster parenting became a bit more real to me. When Mark and I spoke last month to a group of foster parents about connecting with the children in their care, it became even more real to me. My textured heart was stirred.
Foster care. It’s all about life. Life giving all around. Life changing all around. For children. For those ordinary heroes we call “foster parents.” It’s not easy or comfortable or safe. But, the best things in life simply aren’t.
Amen!
Thank you so much for sharing this! Your sister and brother-in-law have given so much love to these children and made the world a better place. It takes a certain kind of person to be able to love so big, and I love hearing stories of those people! Big hugs to your family, and such gratitude for all that they do.
What a beautifully written post.
Tears!!! praying about this down the road too.
to my sister, both seven year ago and now…thanks and I love you.
Thank you for a well written thoughtful honest post. My hubby and I are a year into our journey as foster parents. Some of our extended family is not so accepting of our choice to foster and it hurts. I’m glad you see the big picture! It’s so important! God is so much bigger than we are!
Kelly, this is an absolutely amazing, truthful post. Thank you for sharing! Our journey into our adoptions actually started with being foster parents. It wrecked every part of me…for the better. It was truly one of the hardest, most beautiful experiences of our lives. I believe that it gave us the courage to then step into some other journeys to the children God had for our family because it had increased our faith in Him so much. My heart is forever changed.
This was beautiful. Honest, hard stuff. But real and very well written. Kudos to you. I’m sharing with a friend now who is in a hard spot with this calling to foster she is trying to live out. She will “GET IT” and I know it will encourage her.
This is such a great post. My cousin is currently an adoptive parent, and it has been really enlightening hearing about her experience.
I mean foster parent. Oops!!!
What a beautiful post! “Their hearts have more texture than they did 7 years ago.” Sounds like it’s been a difficult road, but an incredibly rich and rewarding one, as well. Thank you for sharing!
Beautiful Kelly. Foster care is something that Ben and I have talked about and I imagine at a time we will revisit it. These words, these thoughts, put it into a different perspective. Your family is so very lucky to have each other and all of these wonderful children a part of it!
Thank you for this wonderful post. I am a month into my first placement, and this just made a rough day better.
What a beautifully written blog, Kelly. I had goosebumps and a smile on my face when reading this because I have had the pleasure of working with your sister in several capacities and I get to experience her “textured” heart in many ways. Erin and Brian have blessed the lives of many children and I can say these children have equally blessed them. Erin and Brian have worked hard for all the children placed with them and have had their hearts broken. They have also had their heart “textured”…I like that descriptor! As much pain and loss and brokenness and heartache that comes with the fostering territory, there is just as much reward through seeing successes (even if they are small); seeing a child jump up and down with joy over something that would mean nothing to a kid that had everything they needed as a child; hearing a child laugh when you know how much they must have cried….and of course I don’t know this from personal experience, but most of the foster parents I know say the postives outweigh the negatives. As the protective sister you wanted Erin to steer clear from something that could hurt her….and instead you could only embrace what she and Brian chose to do because God definitely intented for them to be foster parents. I am so thankful Erin has such a supportive family, church family, and network of foster parent friends….I am so thankful for foster and adoptive parents. Our children from broken homes need families to open their minds and their hearts to them….It’s not easy. But it’s worth it. I just love your sister to pieces and am so lucky to know her. And to all you foster and/or adoptive parents out there: THANK YOU. And for families considering it: DO IT. God might just be tugging at your heart….maybe he wants to add some “texture” to it :-)
wonderful, thoughtful post! tears! praying about this in the future…. :)
I love this. Thanks!
As I read this I thought of my daughters’ friends who have two foster children that they are hoping to adopt. While they have not had an easy time of it, adapting to having a child at all isn’t easy, add to it the variety of issues you have to face to help children grow up strong and healthy, no it’s not easy. But it is worthwhile. They too have grown (I suspect is a few ways they weren’t expecting when they went into it). But rewarding all the same. Their belief in God has helped them through some of the tougher times but it doesn’t mean they weren’t still tough. For all foster parents out there, you may not see your halos now but that doesn’t mean they aren’t there. Every foster parent deserves kudos for making the life of a child better–even when it’s hard. Parenthood is never easy–we’ve all learned along the way–foster parenting is perhaps harder. But in some ways I think it’s like when some people told me they didn’t know how I could manage to raise two developmentally disabled children–I thought almost all parents have kids with problems, some are more obvious than others, but I lucked out, mine didn’t have drug or alcohol problems that some of my friends faced, none of them had a baby and didn’t know the father, obviously all kids have problems. So kudos to all parents–who have made their childrens’ lives better. Halos to you all.