Heather’s adoption story {Guest Post}

On Easter Sunday, I shared some suggestions on how to think through your testimony. And, I invited you to share it. Heather took me up on that invitation.

Grab a cup of decaf coffee (since Heather likely is as she is reading her own words right now) and sit for a few minutes to hear from Heather about how she came to know God.

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Before Christ.

I have to admit, I don’t like thinking about who I was before Christ. It’s not a pretty picture. Oh, it may have appeared pretty, but under the surface was the dark, ugly stain of sin that plagues us all.

Raised in church, I knew how to play the part. I wore the mask of the “good girl” well. I had a knowledge of God, but it didn’t translate into how I lived my life as a young person. I believed Christianity was about being as good as possible. I didn’t realize that no amount of “goodness” could cover my filthy, sin-stained heart.

It was when my quest for goodness and my need to please people collided that I realized something was wrong. It became impossible for me to “fit-in” and follow the Biblical standard I had been taught all my life. I grew weary of trying to live up to a standard that seemed impossibly high. Especially when I realized my peers could completely ignore the standard all together and seem just fine.

So I caved. I maintained my image at church and around Christian people, but I gave up on ever being “good enough” for God. No matter how hard I tried, I failed. I turned to acceptance from my peers- especially guys- for self-worth. I was so worried about being accepted that I became obsessed with my physical appearance to the point of an eating disorder. But no matter how much attention I got from the opposite sex or how many compliments I received on my physical appearance, it was never enough. I felt always felt less-than. Less-than perfect. Less-than pretty. Less-than talented. Less-than loved. Less-than enough.

It was after an ugly break-up with a boyfriend during my senior year that I finally saw what I had become. My self-esteem bottomed out and I felt like I was completely unworthy of love. My value had been wrapped up in the price that I allowed others to place on me, so when I faced this harsh rejection, I felt worthless.

But I knew better. I had been told all my life (and had even told others) that “you are created in the image of God” and “He loves you just the way you are”. But when it came to believing that for myself, it just didn’t seem possible. How could a God that saw every detail of my life, including the hidden sin that no one else knew about, still love me?

It was at a youth retreat I attended that God destroyed the lie that had haunted me so many years. Sitting at the back of the room, I was just a bystander until the speaker said something that would change my life forever:

“You can never be bad enough for God to love you less, and you can never be good enough for God to love you more.”

The walls of disillusionment began to crumble, and I realized for the first time in my life that God didn’t care about how good I could be (or appear to be). It wasn’t about how bad I had been. It was just about love. His love…for me. Flawed, imperfect, less-than me. He loved me just as I was, no matter what.

It was like a huge weight was lifted off of me when I finally realized the truth of who God was. He wasn’t a tyrant looking to cast me out at the first sign of imperfection. He was a merciful, forgiving God whose love for me was less about my goodness and more about His grace.

So again, I caved. Not to peer-pressure, but to the incredible, gracious, forgiving, life-changing love of my Savior. I finally laid my “less-than” life on the altar and walked away, changed by a God who will forever be more-than anything I could ever need.

Since then, things haven’t always been sunshine and roses. Do I mess up? Constantly. But His love for me never changes. Do I want to please Him with my life? Absolutely. Though not to “earn” His love, but to honor Him and point others to the love that changed my life. I no longer place such high value on the opinion of others about myself. I know that I am enough…because God says so.

Before Christ—I was lost and hopelessly less-than.

Because of Christ—I am loved unconditionally by a God that is, and makes me, more-than enough.

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Heather Fallis is a wife, mother, preschool director, youth pastor, writer, musician and coffee addict. She and her husband have two biological daughters and recently adopted a son from South Korea. Heather has documented their miraculous adoption journey in hopes of inspiring and encouraging others who have dreams of adopting. You can read more at www.ourheart-n-seoul.com