My head is literally hurting from thinking so much, sometimes to the point of tears.
With about a dozen adoptive mamas today, I sat in a comfortable theater chair and allowed a film–Somewhere Between–about four teenage girls who were adopted from China to make me very uncomfortable. I suppose that’s a good thing.
Girls sharing about their fear of failure, of feeling like they have to prove themselves of worth. Not physically resembling their families, not ever just blending in. Stares, unfair questions, the “kindness” of a stranger at the beauty shop welcoming them to America and telling them how lucky they are. The deep rooted desire to know something, anything, about their birth families. Another girl remembering the day she was left on the street corner. Finding a birth family and seeing the bedroom she didn’t grow up in. Saying goodbye to her birthfather, a redo of the goodbye they never got to have. The cries of a 5 year old when she realizes she’s leaving all she knows to come home with her adoptive family. I can’t get her crying face out of my mind.
You can see why my head is hurting.
I found myself driving with an urgency to get home leaving the theater tonight, wanting to scoop up my baby girl and take all the hard things away. Part of me feels so stuck that I can’t.
She greeted me at the kitchen door, sat on my lap, gave me lots of kisses and chattered away about her day. She’s sleeping peacefully now in our bed, all cozied up in a nest of covers. For now, right now, there are no hard things, only comfort. And, I can look at her and take a deep breath.
Tomorrow, next week, 10 years from now, Lord, help me to be the mother she needs me to be.
If you are willing to go there and understand (and not make it about your feelings which will be hard) – then you can be there and walk with your child.
Some get there – others never can. It’s a choice that sometimes takes a lot of work to achieve.
I’m sorry no one responded and started a conversation because that is what can actually help prepare parents so that if/when the time comes they are ready.
My hubby and I saw it last night. Lots of tears. I am still thinking and processing. I wanted to see more. There is so much pain so much that we can’t fix. There is also lots of love. So much to think about. I think the adoptedones has a good point our job is to walk alongside, listen and love.
I will be seeing it again.
Amy