5 years ago, I sat in my first IEP meeting and cried. The labels in front of me on a 25-page, single-spaced evaluation report answered questions but took my breath away at the same time. The words learning support sounded less stigmatizing than special education, but they really meant the same thing. Our son would not be in the normal classroom and would need strategies and special helps and therapies. The labels told us that. He told us that.
We had a lot of meetings that year. And, I cried at every one. It wasn’t what I had pictured; he didn’t fit what I had pictured, the dream I had in my mind. I wondered if he’d be the child who never left the nest. Would he be able to balance a checkbook? hold a job? be a husband and father? I wanted a cure for all his deficiencies and delays, a cure where only strategies could be promised.
I don’t remember all the specialists’ words (or even who they were) and all the papers I signed that year. But, I do remember one particular conversation with his kindergarten teacher. In fact, I can still picture it perfectly. We were sitting at little desks in little chairs. She was handing me tissues and then she said it—“There’s nothing wrong with Evan. He doesn’t need to be fixed.”
And, just like that, it was a defining moment in my motherhood. I stopped seeing him as being broken and needing repair. Instead, I saw him as a unique little man and saw myself as the woman called to be his mother and advocate. And, I had no idea how to do that for this child who needed so much. Miss Capable became Miss Unable as I faced that calling. I realized I was the one with deficiencies and delays, the one who needed strategies. Could I get a Parenting IEP, please?
Goals:
(1) to put the current needs of her child ahead of her own agenda and/or dreams/plans for the future;
(2) to recognize her weaknesses and shortcomings in parenting and seek to grow in those areas through bringing in other resources as needed;
(3) to become increasingly comfortable with the unknowns inherent to parenting a child with special needs and, frankly, any child;
(4) to ask the question, “What does my child need right now?” with compassion when facing her child’s challenging behaviors;
(5) to be able to name 5 abilities of each of her children without hesitation, focusing on their ABILities rather than any DISabilities;
(6) to demonstrate an awareness that she is not alone; and
(7) to live each day with an assurance that God chose her in particular to be the parent to each of her children and that they belong to Him.
A lot has happened in 5 years. Following an IEP meeting this week, we’re transitioning Evan into full inclusion so that he spends all his time in the mainstream classroom. He’s been doing so well. And, he asked for this change himself which is really something in and of itself. And, he’s ready. We’re all watching closely, but he’s ready.
I think we’ve both done really well meeting our IEP goals.
{happy sigh}
Wow ! This is huge! For all of you! Goes to show you what ” in conditional love of a family can do! Always inspired and impressed with how you handle the little and big challenges you face! Bless you- for sharing and being so vulnerable do others may learn!
You are so honest. I am glad you are both doing well
Yea, for Evan! That is AWESOME news. I love how you shared your struggles, and yes, I definitely need a Parenting IEP right about now…make that yesterday. :)
Fabulous post! Will put a link to it on my blog Independence Day, which although it’s about transition planning from high school to adulthood and independent living has readers who also have younger children who could benefit from this as well. I know I could have used the advice of your son’s teacher, not to mention I could certainly have used and IEP of my own. It’s a continuing struggle but like many things recognizing the problem is the first step toward solving it. Congrats again.
Been working on my post for advocate. This is extremely awesome! I’m so proud of you Mama! (My husband threatened to turn off the Internet if I played the comparison game. He is awesome! (I have so much to learn)
WHAT a beautiful post. Such a good set of insights. It’s a hard transition, facing the reality of our child vs. the dream or fantasy of our child. We’ve faced it in many ways since becoming parents, not just with special needs or differing abilities. But what comes back over and over to us is that GOD wired them, perfectly and uniquely to accomplish HIS purposes in and through them. In and through US as their parents.
GO, EVAN! Be the EVAN that God created you to be and show God’s glory and purposes to all who meet you.
And go, Momma! Keep honoring and blessing and calling favor down on his wiring.
It will do all HE purposed for it to do. In you both and in His plans!
I read this when it was posted and took some time to process it. I remember thinking this is going to be me with Jack. It’s so hard to process until you’re thick in the middle. I read it again. Oh my. Thank you for reminding me and sharing it. Thanks for sharing. It helps to know I’m not the only one.