Pausing to Remember

8:29pm

2 years ago

When we learned God had answered our prayers

Two nights before, at 10pm, Sarah called. She had a file for us to see, and she couldn’t wait until the morning to call us.

We saw this sweet face. I wanted her to be ours. But, as we started to look at the file, we quickly noticed that her weight, length, and head circumference measurements were not good. In fact, what we had in front of us were numbers that could not sustain life.

But, God can.

The 47 hours after we got that first call were crazy. I don’t know if I will ever be able to delete my “sent” folder because of the story all those messages between January 18th and January 20th, 2010 tell. Messages with “cute as a button–but teeny” and “a little peanut” and “sweet 10-mo. old girl” – so funny to read those words now and know that I was talking about our daughter.

Messages to Mom and Dad – “I thought I’d be able to sleep! Now, I’m a bit frantic….I’ve got a little face to look at!”

By the 19th, those messages were filled more with words like “concerned,” and, “I feel a wreck,” and “I wish I could fly to China right now and see her myself,” and “We are exhausted and emotionally spent. I do not want to give up hope on this baby, but it is looking bleak,” and “we are trying to hold onto hope that a miracle has happened in her body.”

We knew we needed an update, the one Sarah requested before we had even asked her to, the one we knew we wouldn’t have before a decision would have to be made. It could take a week or even two to get an update. We had 48 hours–now less than 24.

I sent Mark an email on the morning of the 20th. We were talking constantly. I don’t know how he got any work done over those days. But, I wanted to write, needed to write.

I think it would be wrong to not submit the LOI and let this girl go…I feel strongly that we need to trust God that He could do a miracle here if it’s in His plan to do so. I do not feel like we can say no to Mei without having the full information. I feel like it would be a deliberate act of disobedience and lack of faith at this point. I understand that God may not choose to answer our prayers with a yes and that her growth may still be poor. But, I need to act in faith here.

…
41, 7, 62 —

And, I prayed, like I’ve never prayed before. Like I imagine Hannah prayed. I said those numbers over and over again, the measurements I had been led to cling to, measurements that would show she was okay, would be okay…something. I held that paper where I wrote those numbers, and I begged.

And, we prayed for an update soon. The idea of moving forward but not knowing if this was happening or not was overwhelming.

But, we moved forward. We had to.

8:29

Sarah called.

And, she had an update. With pictures. And numbers.

And, she was obviously smiling as she spoke.

And, we knew it was good.

And, then we saw these while Sarah stayed on the line.