“Mommy, I have to tell you something.”
That’s how it started.
Ashlyn proceeded to tell me that a boy at recess came up to her and asked, “How much did your sister cost?”
Apparently, dealing with tough questions starts early. And, as prepared as I think I am and as prepared as I hope to help Lydia be, I guess I haven’t totally prepared the older children for questions like this.
She walked away. Stunned, she didn’t say a thing and went and told the teacher on duty who wrote the incident down to tell the disciplinarian.
“Well, you know, honey, we didn’t buy her; we adopted her.”
Yes, yes, she knows that.
She just didn’t understand why someone would ask that.
“It’s not like she was at a store!” she told me. Pause. “How much did it cost to adopt her?”
Do you tell your child this number? As overwhelming as it can be to some adults, I’m thinking telling that number to a child who can’t count that high is probably not a good idea.
“It cost a lot of money. But, it’s because we had to do a fill out a lot of papers and do a lot so China would know we were a good home for her. And, we traveled to China which is expensive.”
“You had to pay for the paper?”
Not exactly.
I assured her that her response was fine. But, she can answer if she wants and tell them what I told her.
“You know, some people might really just be curious, honey, because they don’t understand.”
“He wasn’t curious,” she told me.
My little girl, proud as can be of her Chinese sister, volunteering to do a Chinese fan dance for her school class, who helps me set up jewelry from Kenya to help provide for adoptive moms across the world.
This wasn’t her first experience dealing with someone who doesn’t get it. The day after we shared the news of Lydia with our children, she took a picture of her new little sister to kindergarten, so excited to share the news. A boy on the bus home told her she was ugliest baby ever and ripped the picture. Ashlyn ran into our house crying. I cried that day too. But, I also told her she was the best big sister in the world, because she already loved her baby sister so so much. And, yes, I also called the school.
But, today, I called the school without crying unlike the call I made nearly 2 years ago. Today, I left a message saying I heard what happened and we’ve talked with Ashlyn and we’ve got it. That’s it. Because, I realize, she’s going to face questions like this for a long time to come. And, she’s learning. All part of her process of understanding what it means to live as family brought together through adoption. She’s in process too.
Wow. I love the way you handled it. And Ashlyn! I’m pretty sure our kids have heard a time or two how expensive adoption can be. Which, in the right context, is okay. It’s important for them to know that it was a sacrifice. And equally as important for them to know we didn’t “buy” anything!
Wow. I wish I could stick my head in the sand, thinking no one will ever make such ugly/thoughtless comments to me or my kids. Way to handle it with wisdom and grace, Mom and Ashlyn.
wow…what an eye opener. I’m glad you posted this. It’s something I need to be mindful about. I suppose my kids are a little more sheltered, but those questions will come to us too. We get the strange looks and the “how’d you get a boy” question but I’m not prepared for the kids getting questions. Thanks.
And, Kudos to one smart cookie on how Ashlyn handled herself. You too mama.
This is a tough one. You know, our son, adopted at 10 years old, has asked me this question himself. So, that gives me a different perspective. He saw all of the money we had at the Civil Affairs office and he saw it handed over to the official. Even recently, he asked me, “Momma, did you have to pay for me?”
He has also expressed to us on more than one occasion that his foster family was given money to take care of him. He apparently saw (or heard) about that exchange of money as well.
I should add we didn’t flash money in front of him in China but he was 10 and he was curious and it was impossible to hide it all. Besides, we figured that might just make him wonder even more if we tried to hide things totally.
You know, I need to write a post about this. I am not sure if I handled it correctly, but it was similar to how you handled it and he seemed OK with that. Tough stuff.
When nosey people ask me the money question I always tell them my boys (we have 3 from Korea) are priceless!
We just had a discussion last night about questions. Not the money aspect but the questions that we and or Emmalin might experience/endure. We were in the locker room Friday night after Lilli’s swimming class. I was helping her get rid of the chlorine and she was next to two other little girls who were doing the same thing. One of the little girls was of Asian descent and she was proudly counting to 10 in Mandarin. She was VERY PROUD of herself. However the other little girl, Caucasian was very derogatory and said “Well, you’re from China, you SHOULD know it, don’t you know MORE!” The little Asian girl did not and she desperately tried to explain that she hadn’t always lived in China, she lives here. I was very burdened in my heart for her and it stirred my own desire to teach my girls about what might be upcoming for us. Granted they are children and children don’t understand how hurtful their words can be. However my prayer is that my girls WOULD know and would refrain from hurtful words. Praying for patience, understanding and kindness to flow!