Ah, vacation…time to read a bit, think a bit, and even write a bit in between trips to the arcade down the street, canon balls in the pool, digging holes in the sand, and ice cream.
This week alone, I connected with two families actively fundraising for their first adoptions and two families who just announced they are adopting for the first time and adopting again. I have the joy of hearing a lot of “We’re Adopting!” and “We’re adopting again!” announcements. And, each one gets me pretty excited. ONE MORE child with a forever family; ONE LESS orphan in the world. It’s a pretty beautiful thing, folks.
Some of you may not hear that announcement as often and may not always know how to respond when you do. I don’t claim to be an expert—I’m an adoptive aunt to one and we’ve embarked on this adventure only once ourselves. Though my experience is limited, I think some principles are pretty universal.
So, next time you hear someone say, “We’re going to adopt” . . .
- Please demonstrate excitement – It’s a good thing! It’s not a consolation prize that a couple is settling for because they “cannot have children of their own.” If the couple has experienced infertility, they have made the decision now to invest themselves in becoming a family through adoption. Do some cartwheels and jump up and down.
- Please don’t offer the infamous cliché – “Oh, now I’m sure you will get pregnant!” or “Oh good! Seems like as soon as someone decides to adopt, they get pregnant.” Not true and a downright not good thing to say. Just don’t. Please.
- Please don’t freak them out – Just like how you don’t tell a newly pregnant woman about the woman you know who just miscarried or the tragic story of a baby lost at birth, please don’t hear the word “adoption” and proceed to share some stories about a tragic story you heard on the news or someone you know who waited forever or a birthmother who changed her mind after a month or whatever. Couples starting out in the adventure of adoption likely already have a bit of fear in them—as all new parents do—and you don’t need to grow that fear.
- Please respect their child’s home country – While we have a passion for China, I recognize that not all adoptive families may have a particular passion for their child’s home country if they are adopting internationally. But, even if they don’t, please do not insult the people of that country or the child’s birth family for the choice they made. Feel free to ask questions if you do not understand the culture and why there are orphans there available for adoption. But, in so doing, do not make judgmental or negative remarks about the people particularly in front of biological and/or adopted children. And, part of respecting their child’s home country includes not critiquing their choice of programs (i.e., “Why wouldn’t you just adopt from here?” or something along those lines). Simply encourage.
- Please be intentional with your verbage – While not all adoptive parents are sensitive about what words people use, it’s always better to be cautious and respectful with your words. Their child is their child, not like their own child. Use the terms birth mother and birth father, not real mother and father. The adoptive family is very much the child’s real family.
- Please don’t make saints of the adoptive family – There are many more families now making the choice to adopt to grow their families for reasons other than infertility. Amen! But, don’t praise the family by telling them how lucky the child is to have them or how wonderful they are to rescue this child. It can be pretty uncomfortable. And, that type of praise actually can be harmful if said in the presence of their children—biological and/or adopted children. Instead, simply encourage them for following God’s call for their family. That’s enough.
- Celebrate! – The typical baby shower typically won’t work to celebrate the arrival or pending arrival of an adopted baby, toddler, or older child. Think creatively! Consider getting girlfriends together for a Nesting Party during which you can help your friend paint the child’s room or even simply clean her house. If the family doesn’t know the age or gender of the child who will be coming home, consider having a book party simply to grow their children’s library. Gifts for new parents can be super helpful and needed. But, perhaps more than the gifts, simply the attention given to the family (okay, fine, mother) and the message sent that friends and family are rallying around this child can mean a whole lot more than gifts and last a whole lot longer.
- Assure them you will care for them after the fact – In our circles—and I hope in most—when a family brings home a newborn, their church and/or neighbors help through providing meals, babysitting for other children, grocery runs, etc. This is not simply because a woman is recovering from childbirth; it’s because a family has just completely changed their dynamics, and it takes a while to get your bearings. Adopting a child is no different. In fact, having brought home biological newborns and one toddler via adoption, I think I needed care more after our adoption than after recovering from labor and delivery. Please don’t equate labor with need for care. Adoptive moms need that care too.
Anything you’d add to that list?
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Don’t forget to come on by this post, read my review of my newest read, and leave a comment to win your own copy so I’ve got someone to talk to about it, okay?
Wow! I love this post! I will have to link up to it for my link love post next week…if you don’t mind. I can’t think of anything else to add…
I’d add, please don’t in the course of the conversation insult the country you are adopting from- that’s gets pretty darn uncomfortable too. While i know China has lots of room to grow, we happen to love it with a passion and feel like it is a home away from home for us! And, CERTAINLY don’t do that in FRONT of our kids!
this is great!!! I’m going to link to it on Facebook! I don’t have anything to add, but I love what you said about having people bring meals. I needed that kind of care SOOOOO much more after adopting than after giving birth, yet only two friends stepped up in that way.
I’m an “adoptive aunt,” and this post is so important and incredibly appreciated! Thanks for putting this out there for well-meaning folks who really want to say the right thing but don’t know how.
So appreciate this post!! Can I repost with all credit given to you?
So true, Kelly. Great post! I always felt so disappointed when I told others we were adopting and they didn’t show the same excitement as we had.
Love love love this post!!!!
Can i use or point others to this!!!
Hallmark should make cards out a shorter version!!
Love this-adoption agencies should give this to clients!!
OMG kelly this is right on!
Hugs – i was hoping that u were adopting because u r a fab mama!!!
Donna;)
Great post, Kelly! I may have to remember this in case I need to refer someone to it!
The ladies I work with gave me a diaper shower. I thought that was a really good idea for an adoptive mother.
Excellent & so well said! Thanks Kelly! I will be sharing!
Jen P.
Kelly!
I love your insight to this. As an adoptee from China I do have internal conflicts with my motherland. I don’t like the fact that I was probably on the loosing end of the one child policy, but that doesn’t mean anyone can disrespect my country.
As I’m growing up and thinking about what I want in my future, whether I want to have a family or not comes into mind and also whether I want my own children or want to adopt. I think there’s no question to it, I’d love to have my own children, but I feel it’s in my cards to adopt.
I’ve read the “Female Brain” and from what I gather a mother and her biological child share a special bond that changes the mother’s brain chemistry. There is no difference between how a mother’s brain chemistry changes if the child is biological or adopted.
A family doesn’t have to be biological to share that ‘special’ family bond. A family is what you make of it. A family is home.
yes! we’ve had way too many people use #3….after we brought her home! Love the insight this provides.
Oh so true! What a great post. I definitely agree with point 8. I was given meals and help after each of my biological children but only one meal after the arrival of our adopted toddler. The day that meal arrived I sat down and cried. It meant the world to me.
Linking on Monday :)
Kelly, this is an awesome post! Well said. Truly.
Just this week I had an extended family member break “rule” #4. Grr….Why do we keep choosing China? Um, we feel called by God and are being obedient to His call. ‘Nough said.
While I agree with this post whole-heartedly–not a word that I’m not solidly with you on–I can’t help but think, as I’m reading it, “Realistically, we will never get away from these stereo-typical responses and views from the non-adoption public sector–which unfortunately is the majority–hence, yup, 47 million orphans in this world. To put it more real–47 million orphans that live everyday without a family–or even people they know–that will always be there for them to call their own! That’s a deeply dis-heartening and seriously sad reality–we all wish we could change.
I applaud your effort to educate here Kelly–and it WILL make a difference. I just wish it would wipe out the prejudice, the mis-understandings forever.
I would only add: Until then–we need to be less sensitive–a little more tough skinned–and use these comments as an opportunity to educate people about adoption. To turn their curious and mislead comments into a “reality check” of sorts, hopefully leaving them with some serious things to think about–the next time they wake up to a house full of family–that will always be there. Perhaps they’ll contemplate that blessing from the perspective of an orphan with no one! Perhaps it will stir them to advocate for orphans, or even open their hearts to an orphan.
This is not easy–trust me. But the educator side of me–wants all those that see our family and draw their own un-educated, un-enlightened views–to walk away with a crack in their heart left by the need and right of every child to have a loving family. Takes time. But in my opinion–better spent educating and advocating–rather than feeling bad or frustrated. It’s my experience, in the end, the “offending commenter” is humbled and left thinking, I walk away knowing I planted a seed, and my daughter, well she knows she’s deeply loved, by us, by God and that there are millions of others just like her–that need our prayers and our voice.
Great post with great reminders. Although, there will always be slipups from unthinking people and foot-in-mouth syndrome.
I’m going to steal this for my blog. I think this was very well put! Thanks
Kelly
this is AWESOME….. WELL DONE KELLY!! and all so so so true… and with “celebrate and encourage” — THROUGHOUT the process…. i was thinking about this this morning — when pregnant, people change on the outside and inside. they have time to get excited, to prepare emotionally and physically – and the world “sees” they are pregnant.. our first adoption was riddled with challenges (which i would take again if it still meant finding our way to our son)… BUT, everyone around me expected the same of me they did when i wasn’t “pregnant” — busy work loads, running around like a crazy person.. pregnant folks get courtesy from everyone from their boss and coworkers (“don’t work too late, you need your rest” and “did you eat anything, what can i get you?”) to people in the grocery store… When you are adopting, you have heaps of paperwork, mounting fears that what you can’t see may not actually happen, and it is really a huge effort to “get excited” vs. to simply just “get by and get that child home” because so much can happen during an adoption journey…So yes, celebrate and encourage — and don’t forget — people who are pregnant get 9-10 months for the world to step up, take notice, and get excited… in an adoption, it can be a year or more before a child comes home.. and that is a long time for an adoptive parent to maintain their energy, excitement, hope, and stamina without the help of their “village” of family and friends…pick up the phone, call your adopting friends and ask how things are going — if they cry or laugh, just listen, you can’t fix it but they just need someone to “hear” them… send a “thinking of you” or a “about to be hot mama” card, just like you would a friend who was pregnant… and definitely ask them if they need any help with anything… and pray pray pray… they and their child need to be connected as much as possible across the universe and prayers help!
Thank you, thank you, thank you!
I hate it when people say “what about her real mother?”
Excuse me, but what am I??
Or the classic” Is her father Chinese?” Um nope, he’s Irish!
We all have reasons for adopting. People tend to say oh what a lucky child. NO, I’m the one who’s lucky for getting to have them in my life.
This is a great post.
Andrea
http://www.ChasingToChina.com