My Overthinking

Philly Area mom, Life forever changed by adoption

Her birthday

Lydia is 2 today. And, I didn’t expect to feel the way I do.

For a Raudenbush child, a birthday means a bedroom door decorated with streamers and balloons when he or she wakes up in the morning. It means a meal of their choice, some fun activities, some sort of party, gifts, a celebration of them all day long. In fact, they think about it pretty much year round, looking forward to their day, making lists of game ideas, themes, gift ideas.

And, for me, their birthdays mean remembering. I remember being pregnant with them and my labor and delivery. I remember those first moments holding them, studying their faces, memorizing their cry.

So, I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that I feel like I do today.

We are celebrating Lydia with the streamers, balloons, gifts, a special meal, and all that. But, I am also grieving that I cannot remember those first moments with my child. I didn’t know them.

A sweet friend gave birth to her second baby last week, a beautiful baby girl. Another friend and I went to the hospital the next day to see her and meet the baby. The mommy was glowing as she shared her birth story. We doted on that little girl, admiring every wrinkle of her brow and how sweetly folded up she still was. We looked at her expressions closely—“Oh, I think she just looked like her big brother,” “Did you see that? She really looked like her daddy when she made that face.”

I’m thinking of that visit today, wondering what it was like for my daughter’s birth mother today 2 years ago. I know I can’t romanticize the event. I do not know what her situation was; I just know that she and the birth father could not keep her. But, I do wonder. I wonder if they loved her the moment they first saw her. I wonder if she nursed her and cradled her close. I wonder if they saw themselves in her and laughed about her strength even as a newborn. I wonder what they named her.

I cannot tell Lydia today how long I was in labor with her, what the doctors said when she was born, how Daddy cried when she finally was born and she screamed for her first breath.

But, I can tell her what we were doing that day.

We joined the special needs program. On March 10, 2 years ago, after waiting nearly 2 years in the healthy child program, Mark and I sent an email to our agency with our application to join their program to adopt a special needs child—a step of faith we quietly took. We told them: “We feel like we need to open to the child God has for us. We do not know if she is in the sn program or not. But, we are opening ourselves to that possibility.” In another email I sent that day to an adoptive mom, I said, “We want to be open to what God may have for us, but this sure is scary.” And, it was.

I cannot tell Lydia about her first moments. I long to know what they were but have accepted that I most likely never will. But, I can share with her our story on her birthday and how God laid it on our hearts that very day to join the program that would lead us eventually to be a family.

We prayed this morning together as a family as we always do. We thanked God for Lydia, for her life, and for her birth family. We thanked Him that they protected her, that they cared for her as they did and made sure she’d be cared for 15 days later when they knew they could not do that any more. We prayed for them today that if they knew what day it was and if they are thinking about their little girl and missing her, that the Lord our God would comfort them and somehow allow them to know in their hearts that she is loved and secure.

Happy birthday, our sweet Lydia. Thank you, God, for this child.

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Comments

  2. There is nothing like that first birthday you celebrate with your adopted child. There is such a sweet sadness to it. You are overjoyed to be able to celebrate the day, but at the same time it is impossible to think about that day without thinking about what’s missing…birth family, birth stories. Katie Mei’s first birthday with us, well, you were there. You know there was more to celebrate than just the date; we celebrated the very fact that she was still alive. And today I rejoice with you that Lydia is alive and doing so well in a loving family. It is a new kind of birth!

  3. Sniff, sob, ugly cry, ugly cry…that was beautiful. Joey’s 7th birthday is coming up in a few weeks, his first birthday with us….what a day I’m sure that will be. Beautiful post my friend!

  4. What a beautiful, amazing story. With God’s fingerprints all over it. Although her birthday may never have all the same memories attached, going forward, it will always always have all the same joy. Great post… I’m linking to it, if you don’t mind :)

  7. Happy birthday, Lydia. Such a sweet story. I love how her beginning was your beginning too. Made for each other….even if it wasn’t the traditional way. She was for you and you for her. happy birthday to both of you!

  9. Perfectly said. It is a special day, but a day loaded with questions and a tinge of sadness, too. You put your thoughts down so well. I’ve been blessed.

  11. wow, this is beautiful. thank you for taking the time to share how you are feeling…and i LOVE that you have a special memory on her birthday that links her story to yours and is such an amazing step that brought your family together. what a fantastic way to honor her birthday, birth parents and the amazing little girl she is. oh, and i love the streamers on the door…i’m going to borrow that tradition :)

  12. Happy 2nd Birthday, baby girl! Such a tough situation – but knowing God always knew is so comforting. May He bring comfort to Lydias birth family today, as well as yours.

    Hugs,
    Sara

  13. Happy birthday sweet lovely girl! What a lucky mama and family they are to have you with them!

  15. Precious words. It’s heartbreaking to think of the days we missed, but how thankful I am for the many days…the milestones we will be there to witness! Praising God for bringing your family together!

  17. I read this the day you posted it, but have not been able to comment. I know this feeling exactly…it’s a strange thing to feel.

    Happy first-birthday home, Lydia! :)

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