I hate hitting delete.
Rainbow Kids is a web listing of children available for adoption. When we joined the special needs program after waiting for years in the healthy child program, I visited Rainbow Kids regularly and registered to receive email updates from them when a child was added to the list who fit our parameters.
I never unsubscribed to these emails. So, I still regularly see these emails arrive into my inbox. And, I can’t just hit delete. I always click on the link provided and go to the site to see the child. I always read about him or her. My heart is always pulled.
But, I click on the red circle to close the window. And, I return to my inbox. And, I hit delete. I hate hitting delete.
We just received the wonderful news that the child, Owen, who we have sponsored at New Day Foster Home since before we knew our own daughter has just been adopted. The foster home emailed us the day after he left their care to go home to Holland. When we had been home with Lydia for only a few weeks, Drew looked at the picture of Owen in our kitchen and asked me, “When are you going to China to bring him home?” I reminded him that we were only giving money to help pay for his care and that we were praying that another family would be bringing him home. We rejoice that God has heard the prayers of many and Owen has joined his family. We will now choose another child to support. We will sit down with our children and show them the pictures and read through the stories of the other children at New Day who still need sponsorship. And, my heart will be pulled.
Someone recently shared something with me. A little girl in China was abandoned by her parents and living in foster care. She was one of the orphans fortunate enough to live with a family rather than in an institution. But, the foster family learned she had HIV. And, China, like many other places around the world, is not a place where people understand this disease. The foster family returned the girl to the orphanage, no longer willing to care for her. The orphanage, faced with fear or ignorance perhaps or maybe a simple lack of desire to do more than the “norm,” rejected her as well. So, this sweet girl is now in isolation at a local hospital unable to even receive a single visitor. She is alone. Alone. And, my heart is pulled.
How thankful I am that our God is Immanuel, God with us, that He is not a God who watches us from afar, uninvolved or simply observing us in our mess. He is a God who is with us, who came down. He is a God who cares intimately for His children. And, my heart is comforted by my God, knowing that He knows the names of each of those children who I see on my computer screen, that He holds them close when no one else does, that He knows their hearts and their dreams when no one may even know their real birthdate. My heart is comforted knowing that He does redeem us in our tragic fallenness, that He is sovereign over red tape and government systems and protocols and officials who do not know Him and He puts families together, putting the lonely in families and giving the lonely children to love. My heart is comforted knowing that even when that little girl who has been rejected not just once but three times—by her birthparents, by her foster family, by the orphanage—lives in isolation, God is not a God of isolation. And, I pray that in that room, He will meet her and be with her in a tangible way. Somehow.
Our home is full. Our lives are full. We are busy and have no trouble falling asleep at the end of the day. But, I still hate hitting delete.
UPDATE — I emailed the person who shared the story of the little girl, whose name is Grace, with me. Prayers have already been answered. A foreign family living in China is now fostering her–Praise God. I was told that Grace is doing really well and seems happy and that the family is “quite taken by her.” I also was sent a link to an amazing ministry that is small now but growing–Elim Kids. I just emailed them to find out more about Grace. And, I was told that they are currently looking for volunteers to go to China for a month or more to foster HIV+ orphans. If you know of anyone interested, contact me or them directly.
*sigh* So well said, my friend. It is a hard thing.
Me too!
Me too. I got several yesterday, and still read them every time. “He is sovereign over red tape and government systems and protocols and officials who do not know Him…”–my dad encouraged us a few weeks ago with something almost identical! So, so true.
Kelly. How can I find her? xoxo Esty
Kelly,
Where is that little girl at? Isn’t there some organization that would get involved and get her into a facility like New Day or Philip Hayden? What about contacting Reeses Rainbow or Project Hopeful? Adoption of children with HIV is on the rise. People are more educated about the long life span that exists for these kids with tratment. Reeses’s Rainbow has a whole section devoted to getting HIV children forever families.
That is just horrible.There has to be something that can be done. Is she on the shared list? I know there is a child from China with HIV that is up for adoption.
Keep me posted and if I can help you I will!
Nicole
Kelly, I so understand. Honestly, if I don’t hit delete on the rainbow kids emails and all the others I get without even looking at them, I am driven crazy with the “just one more” thoughts and the “what if” thoughts. It’s not mentally healthy for me to look and lie awake at not thinking about these kids. It’s not that I don’t want to be aware in case God is asking again, but I can’t constantly lay awake wondering about them. I have to wait to see if God asks us to step up again and then enjoy the journey He has. I completely understand.
I’ve honestly stopped opening the e-mails and looking…..it’s WAY too hard- especially since we actually CAN’T do anything for 6 more months (and we’re still talking about what the future holds for us anyway). There’s one thing when you look and it’s before you’ve stood in a room with kids longing for a family! But after that, those kids seem much more real, and it’s hard, hard to see.
The story of that little girl made me cry, because I spent a couple days in isolation, and I DID have an occasional visitor, and it was HARD. That may be the most heartbreaking story I’ve heard in awhile…..I’m praying God makes himself known to her in ways we could never know- or maybe wouldn’t even believe!
Do you know the little girl’s name, so we can pray for her by name?
I am so encouraged by blogs where writers are advocating for those who have no voice and very little chance without prayers and families to say “yes”.
from one blog groupie to another. I LOVE coming to your blog and checking in!
Thx for sharing!
Nancy
I could have written your statement, “Our home is full. OUr lives are full. We are busy and have no trouble falling asleep at the end of the day. But, I still hate hitting delete.” My Rainbow Kids account is still open, too…and I know it will years before we’re even able to seriously consider growing our family again. Unless God has BIG surprises in store for us, that is. :)