When we had been home about a week, a woman at church asked me, “So, what did it feel like?” I didn’t quite get her question. “What do you mean? What did what feel like?” “What did it feel like when you saw her?” What did it feel like? I gave her a short answer, as we were standing in the lobby with people bustling around us. Amazing. Overwhelming. But, this question deserves more of an explanation than that. So, I’m taking the chance to document it here. Maybe it will inform some people, encourage some people, I don’t know; mainly, it will just help me to remember.
What did it feel like? I just watched the video again of when we saw Lydia in person for the first time. I can remember it so clearly even without the video. My heart was beating out of my chest. I felt like someone could actually hear it beating if the honking on the street 6 floors below us would stop for a few seconds. Mark and I had gone from the airport to our hotel and had about 30 minutes to put our bags down, freshen up a bit, and prepare our room for a baby. The empty crib was there, a visual reminder (as if I needed one) that our child would be here momentarily. Mark and I sat on the bed and prayed before we had to go downstairs to meet our guide and go to the civil affairs office. I started to cry as soon as we sat down. He had to pray; I couldn’t get any words out.
We walked to the office, right across the street really—well, that’s relative because there were about 6 lanes of traffic going every which way. But, we just kept going, sticking close to our guide.
Up to the 6th floor we went, the door to the office appeared locked and the office dark. Our guide made a phone call to the orphanage, and we checked another floor. Were we in the right place? Yes, yes. She sent us in. The office was basic, no frills at all. We sat down on a couch and waited. We only waited a few moments when our guide told us, “Here she comes.” Mark turned the video camera on, and in came the assistant director of the orphanage, a boy of about 4 (not sure who he belonged with. I think he was the assistant director’s son), and the head nanny who was holding the most beautiful little puffy bundle of a baby. If you listen closely to the video, you can hear me gasping for breath. My hands were covering my mouth, and I was trying not to fall apart. For a few seconds (it seemed so much longer when we were there), the nanny held Lydia speaking to her in Chinese and showing her to us from about 10 feet away. Mark and I just sat, trying to hold ourselves together and not knowing what to do next. Thankfully, our guide didn’t wait too long before she said, “Kelly, you can try and hold her.” So, I approached her slowly and reached my arms out to her. It was amazing. It was overwhelming.
We had been anticipating, expecting this child for 3 years, talking about her, dreaming about her, preparing for her long before we knew who she was. Then, once we were matched, we had only a handful of pictures of her that we “bonded” to for a little over 2 months before we traveled. Then, there we were, and there she was, live and in person. She was smaller than I had imagined. In fact, the first thing I said after several “hi”s in a baby voice to her was, “She’s so little” to Mark. It was a very unique feeling, one I cannot fully describe, to first see the child you have committed to loving forever. Were we “bonded” right away? Did it feel like a biological labor and delivery? It was different. It was unique. I was overwhelmed with emotion and pretty nervous too. I knew I loved her—but it wasn’t because I was in love with her. I didn’t even know her except for the very two-dimensional information we had received with her file like “fond of listening to music,” “She loves caretakers holding her to go outside to play,” “She is happy when someone play with her. If not, she would feel a little sad.” But, I had made the choice to love her. I felt like saying to her, “I love you dearly, not because of anything you have done but because God has called me to, and I have chosen to. And, I cannot wait to learn about you and get to know you and fall in love with everything about you.” That commitment was a little bit scary—could I make that commitment? I feared not connecting with her and her not connecting with us. I feared that she might not feel like my own child and that she wouldn’t feel like we were her mama and daddy. But, we knew that the One who called us to this in the first place would not fail to equip us for the task. We prayed that He’d equip our daughter as well. So, we just pressed forward; anything less would have been disobedience to His calling. The first few days were interesting as we all tried to figure each other out. Everything was new for all of us. I cannot say that I loved her more as I got to know her—there’s no more when you already love with your whole heart. But, the love became less of an obvious choice and more personalized—more adoration focused and less simply commitment focused.
Having been with Lydia for 8 weeks now, we are still learning about each other. In a way, she still seems to be discovering herself; for that matter, I guess I am too in a way. With our biological children, as we studied them, learned the little quirks that make them who they are, our love for them has matured. The same is true with our love for Lydia. God knows everything about her already; she is His child. And, as we get to see more and more of who she is, my love for her is maturing. What a privilege it is to call myself her mother.
Thank you for sharing the video. I loved it and yes I even cried. You have a wonderful family I am so honored that I have met Lydia.
Breathtaking. Simply Breathtaking.
You are blessed.
Oh Kelly! That just beautiful. Absolutely beautiful.
And thanks for making me mess up my make up. :)
Kelly- It is not nice to make a grown woman cry. I bawled like a baby. :) Thank you for sharing that. Beautiful!!!! I saw that you got your referral on January 18, 2010. We got ours on January 19, 2010! I wish we could have met in China!
Kelly!
I am absolutely bawling watching this! As I anticipate meeting our girl very soon, it was so awesome to see this perspective of you meeting yours. She is absolutely beautiful. Thank you for sharing it.
i haven’t even watched the video yet, but wanted to say your words here are exactly what i was feeling since i’ve been home. thanks for putting it so eloquently as i was having trouble describing it and ‘figuring it out’! now, i’ll watch the movie when molly goes to bed so i can concentrate! ha!
Oh, my!!! You need to retitle this post: “Grab a Kleenex!” What a totally beautiful testimony and video. Love it. Just love it! God is so good!
Oh Kelly,
What a precious video! We have one for our EllaKate and she watches it all the time. Watching yours really makes me even more excited to go get our ShayleeJoy!!! Your family is so beautiful and you are so blessed!!!
Blessings,
Sharon
Hi Kelly.
It’s Skye from RQ’s site. I read your post before looking at the video – and really shouldn’t have as I got teary reading it and was bawling by the end of the video. :) Lydia’s a gorgeous little peanut. Your family is beautiful!
Thanks for the good cry this AM! JK
The video is great, something you will find watching many times over the years. I still cry watching Grant’s video. I haven’t made Jake’s. Wondering if he will ever stop getting into everything so I can make one!!!!!
Oh my gosh, Kelly! Beautiful post and beautiful video…had me in tears. She is perfect and fits right into your family. You and Mark are so blessed!
Simply beautiful.
I am amazed that you had your wits about you to get all those great moments on film!
What a gift that Lydia will be able to watch this and see where she came from and the looks on your faces when you could first hold her!
Kelly,
That was just beautiful!Now, you have clouded my contact lens for the day!!!!!
Lydia is just precious!
Nicole
That was a beautiful post and video and yes I now have racoon eyes. It brought the feelings all back to me. I remember my heart pounding and as I was reaching for her, I wanted to cover my face at the same time because I was crying so hard.
June 29th 2005.
I had to keep looking away to keep from crying! Thanks for making this. The images and the music tell the story so well. :)
Kelly, the movie was amazing. Thank you so much for sharing. I cried the entire time. LOL. My kids probably think I am nuts but I identify with you in so many ways. I know God will bless us with our little girl soon enough. God Bless your family!
That was beautiful! Your family is beautiful! Thank you for sharing your story.
We’re waiting on our LOA for our daughter in Shanghai! Hopefully, it won’t be much longer.
May God bless you and your family.
Shan
theroadtoraeanna.blogspot.com
Beautifully done, Kelly! Of course I just sat here and cried, especially during the part where you walked down the pathway where she was left- oh my goodness, how emotional! Thank you for sharing- it was just wonderful!!
Beautiful video!!! Lydia is such a sweetie…she has the best eyes!
Anna is about 20.5lbs (according to our scale)…we go for her 18 month visit in June, I can’t wait to get her measurements! She’s finally in 12 month clothes!
Kelly, I don’t know you at all other than through the ND sponsor button thing but I’m sitting here crying at your video! Your daughter is so precious! And your family … oh I just love how open their hearts are … especially through the wait –THE LONG WAIT! and then finally when they see their sister! And I can’t believe that this trip is so recent! Wow. How real! Thank you so much for sharing your memories and photos … it’s amazing how things like this just stir the deepest passions in my heart all over again! And I’m sure other’s hearts as well.
God is so Great!
Blessings,
Valerie
What a beautiful video Kelly! I loved seeing your first moments with Lydia.. How cool that you have that on tape!
I think I started crying even before I hit play! Beautiful my friend…breathtaking…inspiring…humbling. What a gift that we have been chosen for such a task to parent these angels!
Hi Kelly:
What a beautiful video and I LOVE the song “How Great is our God!” What a perfect song for a perfect video. Your video has inspired us to make something like that for Rachel. I really believe our girls would cherish something like that forever!
I’m looking forward to meeting you in the near future. I was glad to hear from you!
Blessings!
Sherry Crist
Thank you so much for sharing this beautiful video. I have two daughters adopted from China and I can never get enough of seeing another family formed through adoption. I nearly bawled watching this as I still remember so clearly my emotions on my journeys to bring my daughters home. I feel so immensely blessed! I know you do too. I hope one day we can meet!
Kelly,
I’ve been following your journey to get Lydia and absolutely LOVE the video. You captured so many great moments and your pictures were beautiful! I’m so happy for you and your family. God is SOOOOO Good. Thanks for sharing this!
Love,
Becka Parypinski :D
oh, wow!!!!!
seeing the road that Lydia’s birth parents likely walked down was hard. I did, however, not think I was going to cry until I saw YOUR face in the civil affairs office waiting for Lydia. I could tell exactly how you felt. I knew that amidst all your love, your heart still hurt – for Lydia. For her loss. For the people that would never see her face again.
But SO much HOPE. Hope in those big brown eyes and that little pouty mouth. Hope that the gospel will be heard by the woman that carried your daughter to the gates of that orphanage.
So amazing, Kelly – THANK YOU for sharing your video!!! It made my night!
That’s beautiful, Kelly.
Amazing video!!! Brought tears to my eyes and makes me want to go get our babies. :) Thank you for sharing!
Hope I can keep that calm when we get our daughter. I have a feeling there will be some crazy tears, but I really and truly want to try to keep calm because I don’t want to scare her. I want her to feel comfortable, not smothered. You did a wonderful job!! She seems so happy and calm. Great video!!