Disclosure Within Reason {Adoption & Back to School}

Despite every effort I’ve made to keep this girl little, she has informed me that she’s grown up. Apparently, 1st grade = old lady. We still have 20 days of summer to enjoy…not that anyone’s counting. But, thoughts of glue sticks, Expo markers, and a new teacher for my lil old lady are dancing in my head.

With children who were adopted but are the same shade as you, you have the option of sharing nothing adoption related with teachers. Those of my friends who choose this option have told me it’s better that way. They say teachers can have stereotypes and let their knowledge of the child being adopted affect how they view and treat the child or there’s no need to stand out and it’s private and none of their business anyway.

When we walk into a classroom for the first time (putting aside the way Lydia bounces into a room), we do pretty much stand out. One look at her + one look at me = adoption and whatever preconceptions or feelings from other kids and educators may come with that.

I take the route of what I call disclosure within reason. Lydia will always deal with questions regarding race and adoption and her story. She carries that. And, school gives plenty of opportunities for those questions and comments. A teacher who knows nothing except the obvious that Lydia doesn’t physically look like the lady she calls Mom (aka me) will be less prepared to handle those situations the way I’d want him or her to handle them.

Disclosure within reason means sharing the following:

• that Lydia was born in China,
• that she was adopted as a toddler, and
• that we do not have a relationship with her birth family; we are her family.

Disclosure within reason does not mean sharing:

• anything about how she was “found” or “left,”
• what her life may or may not have been before we brought her home, or
• how she or we feel about the information we have or don’t have about her history and/or birth family.

Disclosure within reason may include a few words about adoption in general or China in general. I’m cool with that; my heart swells for both of those. But, that’s it. As tempting as it may be to share more to celebrate how our family was built, I’m committed to guarding my words and in so doing guarding her heart. It’s my job; I’m her mom. And, I’m going to teach her to guard her heart well too. It’s never too early to teach her that her story is hard but amazing. It’s a story I want to hash through with her any time she wants to and sometimes when she says she doesn’t want to. But, it’s a story about her, about our family, and about the One who made our family. It’s a story I’m not just going to give away; it’s too sacred and precious for that.

There’s plenty of time to talk to whatever lucky teacher gets my girl this year about practicals, patterns of behavior and responses and strategies and some of the whys behind them. But, for now, disclosure within reason, that’s it, shared casually and comfortably along with all the other important information that needs to be shared (e.g., said daughter loves goldfish and running cheetah fast, is a fierce Uno competitor, and is going to rock 1st grade like nobody’s business).