It started already–the Santa talk. I was out yesterday shopping with all four, and Lydia was convinced she needed this kit to paint a dinosaur. As I kept my cool and she was losing hers, a very sweet lady offered some help: “Oh, no, no, no. Why don’t you ask Santa for it?” which actually helped tremendously and not because it was a good option. Lydia quieted, stopped, and looked at me with eyes that were saying, “what up with the 60 year old lady telling me to ask a pretend person for this $2 craft kit?” I responded saying, “Lydia, it would make a nice Christmas gift. Who brings you gifts on Christmas?” “Ummm…Mama and Daddy?” I then very kindly turned to the woman and said, “We don’t actually do Santa in our family” to which she quieted, stopped, and looked at me with eyes that were saying, “What up with this 30 year old lady with a heart of stone?” (I was generous with the number 60, so why not be generous with my number, alright?)
So, yeah, we don’t do Santa in our house. (go ahead, get your gasps out now.)
The kids know that we shop for gifts for them, and we fill their stockings hung by the chimney with care. We tell the kids that some families like to play a game with their children, pretending that Santa is real and brings them gifts at Christmas. But, he’s just that, a game based on a really nice man who lived a long time ago named St. Nicholas who gave money to poor families.
We’re cool with him though. We still wave to him at the mall as we explain that it’s really a man dressed up like Santa. In fact, we’ve got one of those real-deal costumes ourselves in our cedar closet that my granddad used to wear. We’ve even got a mini version that Drew wears year round. We still read Twas the Night Before Christmas and sing along to Here Comes Santa Claus. But, we’ve just never been into the whole game for a handful of reasons.
* Keeping up the Santa story can distract us from talking about Jesus’ birth and the significance of the incarnation. Talking about the history of Santa is a great tool to talk about giving and compassion. Some families certainly do that really well. When we do talk with our kids about families who do the Santa thing, that’s what we focus on, never giving the impression that those families are somehow inferior or not as spiritual or something crazy like that. But, as our children get older, my desire for them to really understand the most significant demonstration of giving and compassion has grown. For me, playing the Santa game can mean more conversations about presents and traditions and less about who God is and the most amazing gift ever known.
* I know it can be fun, but it’s not truth. In fact, we know people who have created quite a Pinnochio-style web of lies to protect their children’s belief in Santa. As their children have started connecting the dots, the stories the parents have come up with to keep it all have gotten a wee bit silly. Perhaps it’s my overthinking coming into play, but we’d rather have our kids know they can totally trust us rather than build a complicated story that others reinforce which they later find out isn’t actually true. If we lie about Santa being real, would our children question whether we are lying about other things that are unseen? If we ask them to believe in a Santa they cannot see and they find out we have lied, will they doubt whether our testimony that God is real is true?
* We want our children to understand the value of the gifts they are given, from us or other family members, and recognize that some gifts are a real sacrifice financially and have taken a lot of effort. We want them to learn gratefulness for this sacrifice. While I know Santa can be used as a picture of generosity, telling our children that Santa gave them their gifts instead of the family member who lost his job that year but still figured out how to give them a gift or the cousin who is young and used her allowance to buy just the right little thing takes away from their understanding of generosity and sacrifice.
* We do not want them to fall prey to a works mentality. We’ve all heard it–“Stop that or else Santa will put you on the naughty list!” We don’t want our children to think that blessings depend solely on whether they have been good or bad. We want them to understand what grace is–God’s unmerited favor, kindness from God that we don’t deserve. There is nothing we have done or can ever do to earn this favor. The classic lesson that “being bad” may put them on the “naughty list,” translating into less presents or a lump of coal could really hinder their understanding of grace.
It’s how we do things here. But, we respect that others do things differently–especially those who have overthought it all as I have and have come to a different conclusion. Some families really know how to do Santa well and still teach generosity, compassion, and grace as they do it. And, I know friends who have fond memories of leaving out milk and cookies and all that and want to give their kiddos the same. I get that. We’ve got some traditions we can’t let go of too. And, don’t worry–we tell the kids that some families really like the game. They have strict instructions not to tell other kids that Santa isn’t real in case their families are playing the game.
Kelly, well said. Reading this was like reading the conversation Craig and I had 7 years ago. All reasons we also “don’t do Santa”. I am careful to explain why we chose this way in a way that doesn’t cast judgement on others. I am encouraged in how you responded to the lady and feel better equipped to say more than just the non-Santa comment. Thanks for sharing this, Kelly!
We also didn’t do Christmas and our kids are 24,21, and 19. We focused on the true meaning of Christmas, Jesus. Unfortunately my oldest saw things in black and white and told his preschool class ,”Santa is dead.” Whoops!
Kelly – thanks so much for sharing “only 3 gifts” & this one. All this has been stirring my heart about doing things differently for us, and talking to M. Now I/we have some more, better ideas about how to so it practically, as well as how to talk about it all with the kids & others, without being rude or disrespectful. :).
Hi Kelly,
I think there are many people who choose not to “do Santa,” so probably not as many gasping as you might think. :) We also don’t do Santa. When my 10 yr old son was just 18 months old, he would say, “Look, there’s Noah!” when he would see a Santa. I miss that. :)
A friend of mine, before I was married with children, said she didn’t teach her kids about Santa for the very reason you stated–her parents taught her that he was real, and when she found out he wasn’t, she had a hard time believing they didn’t lie about Jesus, too. That made a big impression on me, and that is why we let them enjoy the fun of Santa, but we don’t embrace the facade.
Blessings!
Selena
I have gone back and forth in my own mind on this topic. I do not like the idea that I was’duped’ when I was a kid, but love the sort of magic about it and the point of realization my kids might have when they get older that “Wow! My mom did all that!?” Anyway, that being said, how do you handle Halloween, Easter and the tooth fairy? I’m very interested in how other families handle these issues! Blessings and Merry CHRISTmas!
We don’t do Santa either. We also don’t do st. Nicks day. I agree that it takes away from Jesus ‘ birth and why we want to “be good”. I have to explain to my kids, though, not to talk about it too much at school because so many kids really believe in Santa. It amazes me how much some kids believe in it, makes me kinda sad that so much effort is put into Santa and not Jesus.
Our daughter turned one this week and I’ve been trying to figure out how we are going to handle the Santa thing as she gets older. I am not crazy about the idea of doing Santa but couldn’t articulate why. Thanks for expressing my gut feeling so nicely and giving me something I can share with my husband for us to discuss. God’s blessing with you this Christmas.
While I understand your reasoning, I think Santa can be an amazing tool in faith, if used correctly. For my husband and myself, we Santa as a chance to teach our children to have faith in the unseen and to show that sometimes those unseen do amazing and wonderful things. We never lose focus on Jesus being the most important part of Christmas but we use the talk of Santa to emphasize our faith in God and the miraculous things he can do. Additionally, we emphasize Christmas as a time to act like St. Nick – giving to those more in need. Our eldest no longer believes in Santa but she doesn’t feel duped. She seems to be happy that she was given such wonderful memories by her family and once we explained to her our reasoning, she seemed to really understand the importance of faith. I know that it was how I was raised and I could not be more grateful for the faith it helped instill in me.
Mary, does it worry you that teaching kids simultaneously to believe in an unseen untruth and an unseen truth might cause some confusion? Why take the chance?
Santa turned out not to be real. What about Jesus? Many churched kids grow up and leave the Christian faith behind like they leave Santa. High stakes. Worth considering eliminating confusion on the most important aspect of Life.
Andrew, I would answer that by saying that my wife and I both grew up “believing” in Santa and now as adults, our faith in God is not shaken by it. I guess that’s all we can go on. We talk about Jesus 365 days a year and Santa gets about 3-4 (once at the mall for pics, a letter, anticipation Christmas eve, and jubulation Christmas morning. We also teach our kids that Jesus was not born on the 25th of December but rather more likely during the summer months and we place much more emphasis on Easter (with no easter bunny). Just my 2 cents.
I’m so glad I found your post! We also don’t “do Santa,” and it’s nice to finally find others that see things the same way I do. People have told me that I’m taking the magic out of Christmas. But anyone who could see my children’s eyes on Christmas morning, even when they know that all the presents are from people who love them, no one could believe that their Christmas is any less magical.
I find all your comments about Santa very interesting … I am not American, I am Czech (living in the States) … so, it is not Santa who ‘supposedly’ brings Christmas presents in my country of origin – it is actually Baby Jesus. Which in itself is quite curious since the Czechs are allegedly one of the most atheist European nations :o). That’s why, as a child, I pictured baby Jesus as someone with huge eyes, red bulbous nose and round limbless body covered in grey long fluffy hair. A kind of good floating forest night spirit. I think the image must have stemmed from the soft sound of the word ‘Baby Jesus’ in Czech. I personally do not find the image of Santa very appealing … I do not get it why he has to sit in every mall (of all places!). We are in the middle of adopting from China and I was wondering how to reconcile Baby Jesus with Santa. I do not remember feeling betrayed or traumatized when I found out that it was actually my parents who buy the presents. I still think it is magic to believe – if only for a while – that it is someone else – other than your parents – who brings Christmas presents … not everything has to stand to reason, especially in that very early stage of human life .. I still have to work out my Santa/Baby Jesus dilemma – being an agnostic doesn’t help :o)
We don’t do Santa, but to me telling them that the presents come from the baby Jesus is just as untrue. We tell our boys that Jesus has blessed our family enough to be able to give them gifts. And if it weren’t for Jesus, blessing us with our job, health, each other, ect. Then we wouldn’t be able to give them gifts. They know the gifts come from us but that without Jesus and his blessings that there would be no gifts! Hope that helps you some, congrats on the new baby!
I think every family has to make the decision of what will work best for them. I commend you for doing so without judging others who choose a different path.
I love this! Thank you for sharing. I am in my 30s and growing up our family never did the Santa thing either. My Kindergarten teacher wrote my mom a letter saying “if you want to ruin your kid’s Christmas, that’s fine. But you need to tell her to quit ruining her classmate’s Christmas by telling them Santa isn’t real”. I am grateful that our focus was on Christ alone. My son won’t be missing anything as we have decided to leave Santa out too. Glad to know we aren’t the only ones! Merry Christmas!
We started out playing the Santa game but my 4 year old called me out on it. I found her crying in bed Christmas night. With those big honest brown eyes, she said “I just don’t think Santa is real and if he’s not real, then I don’t think Jesus is real.” Broke this mama’s heart. And I told her the truth that night. My 2 year old was listening. They learned the truth about Santa, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy. And the characters at Disneyland. And just about every question they ever ask. I can’t have them equating Jesus Christ to childhood fairy tales. They rely on me for truth and I’m obligated to provide. If I’m honest with them, they’ll be honest with me. Truthfully, when my reasons are explained, no one judges me.
This is great for those who are able to keep their condescension and judgment to themselves, but lets be real. There are always those who believe themselves superior in their actions. We “did Santa” with our kids growing up and our daughter, who’s birthday is in December, LOVES the Christmas season. We were very careful to make Jesus the focal point, but we had Santa-related stuff also. She had reached the age of questioning his reality anyway, and a friend of hers, who’s family was VERY anti-Santa, told her that he was not real. She was very self righteous about it, telling our daughter that we had lied to her and that she was stupid to have fallen for it. It broke her heart and put a damper over the whole season. We talked with her and shared our decision to have the tradition of Santa be part of our celebration and that helped. I would not go back and change anything except I would let her know earlier that some families don’t share our traditions. I wish the other girl had been told that!
Hi! We also do not do Santa, for the same reasons you listed here, but I do have a question. How do you handle those who, after asking why you don’t do Santa, consider it their sole purpose to convince you otherwise? I have come across this with coworkers, family, and friends. I don’t want to get into a debate or argument with anybody about it, because it’s my choice for my family, the same it’s their choice for their family, but so many people push and push and won’t let it go until they feel like they have convinced me that I am wrong in teaching them that he isn’t real. Even after giving my reasons, without being judgmental (or at least, I hope not!), they still want to explain why I should do Santa for my children. I’ve been told that I’m ruining Christmas for my children, that I’m being selfish for pushing my desires onto a season that was meant for the kids, and that I’m not allowing for my children to form their own beliefs. What would you do in a situation like that? My little ones are still young (3 and 1) so I’m still new to this whole parenting thing and feel like I’ve been missing something/doing it wrong!