Making sense of adoption disruption/dissolution

Adoption. Disruption. Dissolution.

It’s the words people don’t want to put together even on the same line. And, if they do, it’s usually followed by words like the ones I heard spoken to me yesterday.

I’m judgmental. Fine. I guess I am then. But, I have to say that giving a child up that you’ve adopted is totally wrong. There is no excuse for it. I don’t care what they tried. It’s wrong.

I didn’t say much in response. The time wasn’t right. Afterall, sometimes, it’s better to simply let a nonresponse be a response.

But, here I am now. It’s dark and quiet at home. My work for the day is complete. And, the time seems right now to think more and put my thoughts out there.

The words spoken to me yesterday? They probably aren’t far off from my own thoughts at one time. Adoption is forever. Adoptive families made a promise, took a vow, made a commitment, no matter what. That was shaken not long after Lydia was home when a dear, faithful friend made the hard choice to not bring home the child she traveled across the world to make her own. Through the flurries of emails and face-to-the-ground prayers, it became very clear that this child was not their child and that God had another for them. How could that be? As an outsider only getting glimpses of the inner threads of their story, I felt compelled to reconcile it, explain it, make sense of it. All I could say is that He drew this family close to Him and spoke and led, even when that path wasn’t the “acceptable” one. It wasn’t the path of glory for those looking on who all would have been much more comfortable with the plan going as it was “planned,” but He was glorified still.

Not long ago, other friends who had parented a child also brought home from across the world came to terms with the fact that this precious little one would be best loved and served by another family. These are people who love the Lord and desire only to do what He wants them to do. How could that be? They did all the “right things”—bringing in experts on special needs, adoption, family, child development; getting respite, pursuing therapy and training and support and counsel. On the verge of complete and utter brokenness, they wrestled with God and He moved in extraordinary ways, giving them assurance every step of the way. The child they brought home was adopted by another family, transitioned well, and is thriving.

We so want to make sense of things, don’t we? We want to understand them, explain them, be able to shake our finger in the air and say, “Oh, now, I get it.” We can’t do that so well with adoption disruptions or dissolutions. They’re messy and painful and traumatic and full of broken shards of glass that continue to cut with new steps.

I don’t get why God would call a family across the world to adopt a child who would meet them, stay with them for a time, and then go back to an orphanage to wait longer to come home to another family. I don’t get why God would call another family across the world to adopt a child only to ultimately call another family to raise that child. But, I’m realizing more and more that I really don’t have to get it. 

I can’t agree with the woman who crossed her arms and firmly spoke about how she gets adoption disruption/dissolution. I can’t agree because I’ve seen how these families made the hard choice. I can say with certainty that they didn’t take the “easy way out.” How easy it would be to have clear rules—God never would do that; He’d never ordain this. We’re all more comfortable with those designations. But, our world is so broken and confusing and complicated. The only thing I can say is that He redeems it all. He is the only One, the only thing, that makes sense of the brokenness and makes sense of adoption disruption. He can do that you know—make sense out of what we can’t and maybe never will.

To the woman I responded to yesterday with a nonresponse, allow me to respond a little bit more here:

I simply cannot make an absolute judgment call and do not believe you should either. It is not “a sin” to place a child for adoption. It is not “a sin” to foster a child and then make the choice that the long-term needs of the child would be better met in a different home. It is not “a sin” to adopt a child and not ultimately parent that child. I have seen Him call people to hard choices that may look ugly on the outside but, all the while, He’s got their hearts and is guiding them and leading through the dark places. I’m not making excuses for them; there’s really no need to. And, I’m not saying it’s not a sad thing; it is. But, I’ve had the privilege of glimpses of these families’ hearts through their journeys. And, I can say with confidence that they’ve desired only what He wants and have made their decisions based on that desire. And, I’m standing with them in that.